#and he just has to add that in his 'stuff to figure out about joe's expressions' folder he has stored in his brain

[cementcornfield]

also like speaking of college joe'marr....one of my favorite headcanons is like, yeah, ja'marr probably hero worshiped/had a big crush on the new hot older super talented QB....but i also think joe had a very inconvenient little crush on ja'marr

like joe said himself that thought of his time at LSU as a master's/internship type program but for football instead of any real school curriculum (lol). he had just spent 3 years at OSU /not/ playing football and it was all he wanted to do. now that he had this chance at LSU he was going to buckle up and take it as seriously as possible (he took all online classes and spent as much time as he could at the facility, living and breathing football as much as possible).

so like, he did NOT plan on getting distracted by the cute freshman with the million watt smile and easy warm nature. this kid who would try to joke with him but never try to talk with him without justin or terrace around. this kid with all this god-given talent but no clue how to actually watch film and improve from it. but hey! nothing always goes 100% to plan!

[respectthepetty]

I’m new. Ok. And only just watching BAD BUDDY and erm….. colours. Obviously they have different over shirts at school anyway! Pran- red over shirt and Pat - Blue over shirt.

But before I embarrass myself with trying to do a theory - I have come to your Holy corner of the interweb for your colour expertise and knowledge because I can watch any shows without looking at colours and barriers, mirrors and windows. Like.

Help. 😅

Anon, I knew Bad Buddy would eventually come up because it was rich with colors, so I was prepared to cushion this answer with good meta before I dropped the landing:

I updated my master post of colors to add more color-coded queer shows <- Shameless Plug

@dribs-and-drabbles did an amazing job analyzing the colors in Bad Buddy, which every post can be found here -> this awesome link!

@shortpplfedup examined Bad Buddy through the lens of Romeo & Juliet and compared the common themes between the two *chef's kiss*

@miscellar wrote about the tropes Bad Buddy leaned on to tell a compelling story, but admits to being "garbage at tagging [their] own stuff," so the linked post has some links within it of their posts.

I gave you all of this beforehand because . . .

I didn't like Bad Buddy

It's not the show! It's me. I became very frustrated in the last quarter, so I zoned out and refuse to rewatch it. HOWEVER, I will give you a quick Bad (Color) Buddy post since you were brave enough to ask about this show.

In general, Pat is a Blue Boy (loyal and stable - he kept that guitar for a very long time), and Pran is a Red Rascal (stimulating and passionate - he fell first).

Even their parents were color-coded, but the switches in colors, and the barriers gave away some of the underlying issues between the parents.

But when Pat thought about it, the love (and the color exchange) was always there between them, right? They are sleeping on the other's color.

Because when they met on that roof at the end of episode five, they had already exchanged colors, multiple times

BURY ME WITH EPISODE FIVE!

Even when they were fighting, the love (and the colors) were there. Pran is wearing Purple Pair (when Blue & Red mix), and Pat has the red name tag.

But the second their friends found out about their love, their colors morphed into the darkest timeline versions

But they figured it out, only for Pat to GET SHOT with his Blue Boy Squad while wearing both his and Pran's colors and love

So Pran continued to show up at the hospital in his man's blue to give him love and support, only for Pat's family to show up trying to give him love (in red)

It was okay though because when Pat got out of the hospital, he declared his love for Pran in front of the whole school while wearing Pran's color

So we were all lead to believe all would be okay . . .

But shit goes sideways outside of a Trader Joe's when Pat and Pran run into Pat's family

They run off to the beach to live Kinn and Porsche's dream out where Pran falls even more in love with his Blue Boy

Then they have sex on their colors because they were already sleeping on them since day one

But they decide to BREAK UP because they realize their parents will never give them peace or relief due to the long-standing beef between them. But it's okay *cries into my pillow* because the ladies got their happy ending.

Ink is a Yellow Yal (communicative and creative) and Pa is a Green Gal (optimistic and relaxed).

They exchange colors and love because they aren't complicated and just want to be together while not making us cry.

We get a time jump and see Pat wake up in the . . . red? But that's Pran's color.

Then we see Pran getting ready with his red and . . . blue comforter.

They both attend a class reunion, but are distant with each other not speaking to the other one since they are no longer even friends

BUT IT'S ALL A LIE

As if the colors didn't give it away before the reveal, and we find out they have been together THIS ENTIRE TIME

So they slut it up right in front of Nong Nao's salad

And live happily ever after having sex on every surface of their apartment like they deserve, exchanging colors for all their lives. Amen.

Thanks for the ask, and I hope we never forget that Pat was shot ON CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!

[alexandersimpleton]

So saw this post, and decided to share some stuff, I scrolled down your blog a bit, and saw an OMORI post... So here's my idea for everybody's Epithets!

Sunny - Dreamer - This word is brought up a lot in the context of Sunny, and makes sense for Headspace and how it works. I'm still gonna explain the logistics and why I had those as powers though.

Dreamer allows for the user to have incredibly complex dreams, manifest abilities from these into reality. (Calm Down, Focus, Persist) Create nightmarish illusions from somebody's psyche. (Think Nightmare Fuel with Drowsy and SOMETHING and all of it's related fights) Invite others subconsciousness into their dreams. (Mostly Basil related stuff from the OG OMORI) As well as being able to fall asleep and wake up on command. (It's a buncha instances rather than one so..)

Kel - Caffeine - It's mostly because, he's really fast, and also Orange Joe contains extreme amounts of caffeine

That is... not normal.... So, I made it Kel's Epithet!

Caffeine allows the user to consume any amount of caffeine without consequence, as well as boosting the effects of it. It also allows for short boosts of caffeine which can give a bunch more energy and speed. The user can also apply these effects to others. They can also almost infinitely restore physical Stamina... mental stamina though? Yeah... that's gonna take a hit after a while.

Aubrey... Honestly not sure, whether she'd be a Mundie or Inscribed. If she WAS Inscribed, Bunny would work, but eh idk. Just not sure.

Mari ~ Picnic...? ~ In Headspace, everybody has an Epithet, simply because they're cool. So of course Mari needs one. In the Real World, Mari had no Epithet and was totally not frustrated about that, and assumed that Sunny having an Epithet should be as good as her, if not better, especially with something like Dreamer, wouldn't somebody be able to reach their dreams, and Sunny DOES want this doesn't he?!

Picnic allows travel from any picnic blanket to another, manifestation of food in a picnic basket, this food immediately restoring all your stamina and healing your wounds.It also allows immediate transportation to the last held picnic basket imbued with Picnic for anybody. This is all at no cost to the user.

Hero ~ Mundie...? ~ Honestly it'd be kinda funny, and make sense, if he was a Mundie. But nobody realized. Because he's very charming, very good at making food, and very good at school. Everybody assumes he has some kind of Epithet, but just doesn't talk about it.

In Headspace, his Epithet is Food. Which allows for the creation of, of course, food. This food can heal wounds, or restore stamina, works similar to Picnic basically but way less strong, and does actually require stamina.

Basil - Photo - Allows for the capture or summoning of a photo of any moment the user has seen. As well as the summoning of a Photo Album. Reflects the memory itself, rather than what truly happened. Though after it's been shot, the memory stays in that state, until the photo is destroyed, at which the memory continues as if it were a normal one.

OMORI - ??? - It's stated OMORI hasn't figure out his Epithet yet. OMORI basically acts as he does usually in Headspace, with all the powers.

Honestly the Epithets don't change... much, since I kept them fairly similar to the anomalous things already existing in canon, still some stuff that's fun and different from OG OMORI, but, yeah, fun! Hope you enjoy!

Yeah I enjoyed all of that! They were all so creative! I don't have much to add (which is probably partially because it's the middle of the night where I am and I can't think), but I just wanted other people to see these amazing ideas (and add a Kel nuke joke because that uses coffee)

[creepychippy]

thoughts on a tword-ish j.oe dal.ton? or any t.he dal.tons character, tbh-

[ you can delete this ask if you want! no pressure ^^ ]

I'll add both Lee and Ler Content- uwu

(Adding a Cut since it is a rather long Post-)

Joe Dalton:

the modern Cartoon Adaption ("The Daltons"/"Les Dalton") actually shows that he is canonically ticklish on his Feet and his Back/lower Back- uwu

he is also shown being able to hold in his Laughter for a few Seconds (before breaking into loud, roaring Cackling)

as for Headcanons, me thinks that his Sides and Hips are also really ticklish- uwu

I also think he is Feather-sensitive as well (considering he easily broke down to a Brush gliding across his Back in one Episode)

not usually the one to start Tickle Fights between the Brothers, but Hell he will finish them when he is being challenged and he will be ruthless about it too

surprisingly, he doesn't flail around like one would expect him to (at least for a few Seconds)

Plot Twist: he actually likes being tickled since he is kinda starved for positive Touches (I blame Ma Dalton for that + he is always to preoccupied with escaping and making Plans as well as a bit of a Tsundere to openly show Affection and touchy Gestures). He would never admit that, of course, even over his own dead Body

above Idea comes from the Fact that in one Episode, William massaged Joe's Shoulder to calm him down and the latter actually enjoyed it (before stopping him but still telling him to massage him later on nonetheless)

Jack Dalton:

actually the only one out of all Brothers who wasn't shown to be canonically ticklish as far as I know (I'm only really knowledgeable about "Les Dalton" and a bit of "The new Adventures of Lucky Luke", so there could have been Scenes in another Cartoon or in the Comics itself which actually showed him being tickled)

Headcanon Time: I believe his Armpits, Ribs, Sides and Feet are really ticklish- uwu

Generally speaking, he is a walking Tickle Spot

he has a rather deep, Belly-Laughter which isn't as loud as that of Joe and Averell since he is the more shy and reclused of the Group

his Laugh is also accompanied by a lot of "ho hos" and "he hes"

he tends to lean or grab onto Stuff when being tickled, sometimes wrapping his Arms around his Body or covering his Face

Jack is the one out of the four who starts Tickle Fights the most, since he is really mischievous too and occasionally likes to mess with his Brothers a lot- ùwú

However, he is the one who loses in those Fights as well but he doesn't mind since he likes seeing his Brothers laugh and have Fun

William Dalton:

canonically shown to be ticklish in "The new Adventures of Lucky Luke" (though he is being called Jack in that Show before anyone gets confused), though it isn't shown where he is being tickled at exactly since it was an invisible Ghost tickling him

for that matter, I'll assume his Ribs and Sides are really ticklish

other Spots I headcanon to be ticklish would be his Stomach, Knees, the back of his Knees and his Feet

has a high-pitched Laughter and he also Shrieks a lot

William also tends to wrap his Arms around his Stomach and curl up on himself, sometimes covering his Mouth to muffle his Laughter

sometimes, he tricks his Brothers by massaging them only to unleash his Tickle Attack upon them- uwu

he also has Knowledge about Knismesis and Gargalesis as well as the Human Nervous System from reading a lot of Books, making him a rather dangerous Ler

William is also quick at figuring out his Lees ticklish Spots

when Joe isn't involved, William is usually the one who wins the Tickle Fights between the Brothers

Averell Dalton:

canonically shown to be ticklish in "Les Dalton", in this case his Stomach, Sides, Ribs, Armpits and Arms are really ticklish

just like all the other three, his Feet are probably ticklish as well and just like Jack is a walking Tickle Spot

Averell has a loud, high-pitched and boisterous Laughter which he immediately breaks into upon being tickled. No Self-Restraint from this Man- uwu

sometimes, his Laughter sounds like that of a Hyena

compared to Joe, rough Tickles are more effective on Averell

he also either weakly flails around or wraps his Arms around his Stomach

Averell also likes being tickled since it's Fun for him, makes him laugh and reminds him of the Times his Ma would tickle him

usually is the first to lose in Tickle Fights between the Brothers but he doesn't mind

if he feels bold enough, he'll tickle Joe from Time to Time, though that usually backfires on him

since he is the most touchy out of the four, he sometimes ends up accidentally tickling his Brothers

[the-moon-and-sea]

Trying something new bc im bored. Please imagine all the parenthesis are footnotes.

I have decided I'm going to watch the new Ghibli movie when it comes out. I saw ads for it in Japan (just posters on the movie theater wall at the mall, they intentionally didn't advertise the movie At All before releasing it there) and it was more intriguing than some of the other movies coming out (looking at you, ghibli look-alike about a chair??? who okayed that premise) but the timing wasn't right, plus I'd have to watch it all in actual Japanese and while I could do that for something simple like Way of the Househusband (great movie btw but I didn't know enough lore apparently) I figured I'd want to follow this one a bit better. Plus, my boy Yonezu Kenshi contributed to the soundtrack, so I have to watch it to support.

This movie is the first in a while (I'm not googling to see if this is correct) with the old duo of Hayao Miyazaki and Joe Hisaishi, and while there have been....other movies in the last 10 or so years....miss little witch etc was never very compelling for me. But based on the barely-over-a-minute trailer...I'm ready. We've got the creepy soundtrack, the same solid style, but somehow a level up in the animation?! some random old ladies, cute spirits, it's got it all. What it also has, very importantly, is a war reference. We all know Miyazaki remains heavily influenced by his nostalgia of wartime Japan (and aren't all of us (Please Read/Watch In This Corner Of The World)) so it's not surprising to see some bombings here. Some fire there. I'll bet you $5 there will be a plane in there somewhere. Mans loves his planes.

Anyway add onto that the ~mystical elements~ weebs like to love about Japan (please read Orientalism by Edward Said also) and I'm sure this will sell well. And I'm also sure, I'm probably gonna love it lmao

I was reading the official description on GKids which I guess is the site of the producer and distributer in America, and they mention Yonezu, my boy, right under Miyazaki. Joe isn't there. Poor guy. Anyway they say about Yonezu: "After posting a series of Vocaloid tracks under the moniker Hachi, Kenshi Yonezu distinguished himself from the crowd with remarkable results." This is. a severe understatement. I think I might end up writing my thesis on Vocaloid and the impact it STILL has on children today in America and Japan (my kids always played popular songs during lunch/cleaning and during sports, basically anytime the broadcast club had control; some of the kids in the art club literally only drew Ms Miku fanart) and amongst that Huge Library of Music (I won't call it a genre bc thats not what it is), Hachi was like. Top 10 if not Top 5 if not Top 3 most popular. If you listened to vocaloid at all before 2016 you know Matryoshka. That's Hachi. He was a wonder to all of us middle schoolers. More recently, he came out with Sand Planet, about the way time has changed Vocaloid and the people who enjoy and produce it. It was also really cool.

I learned about his Real Name career a bit after it had happened. I stumbled on Mad Head Love one day on my youtube rabbit holes, and it slapped, and I was like oh it's that guy. But then I lost track, forgot his name, and generally wished him well from afar. And then ! I refound him! And have loved him ever since (not really some of his recent stuff is weird but - actually hang on lemme actually write this)

Recently, and I mean in the last oh 3 or so years, he's done what a lot of popular Japanese artists do - make anime music. Some of it's okay, some of it is Absolutely His Thing, and some of it is like every other anime op ever and not very impressive. Spinning Globe (the song in this movie) is Pretty Good I think. I listened to it while crying on the plane on the way back to America. The lyrics are simple and easy to understand, it's got his plodding beat and an easy background. I could probably transcribe the piano part in 15 minutes. "The day I heard a voice patting me on the back, telling me to go ahead" is like. well it was really relevant to my personal time in Japan and a lot of the issues I've been facing so maybe I'm biased!

Yonezu is so popular that he literally wrote a song for the Tokyo Olympics. He represents Japan. He has been a top singer in Japan for 10 years. This started with his landslide take over of Vocaloid music. Even my students who didn't know literally any celebrity knew him. And I know this is the English website so they probably don't expect anyone to know who he is, and don't care about the understatement, but listen. Yonezu if you're out there and you want anyone to write you PR in English. I've got u.

The Japanese title is 君たちはどう生きるか. It's based on a book of the same name from 2016. I'd literally translate that title as "How do you live" with the 'you' being plural, like 'you all'. I don't know anything about it. It's apparently semi-autobiographical. But they've chosen to translate the title as "The Boy and the Heron," the choice of which could be a thesis in itself. But I wish it had come out just a little sooner, because one of my favorite games to play with my kids was getting them to guess titles to ghibli movies in English and they would've lost their minds over this one.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014 My Nutrisystem journey has begun! I gained a little weight recently and crept up to 151 pounds. This will be my starting point on my way down to 125. That's my highest goal weight, anyway. At 4’ 11” I can go as low as 100, but this is not likely with my age and muscle density.

I was both pissed and pleased when the shipment arrived. They gave me more than I ordered, but they also gave me stuff I don’t like. I hate spicy foods, yet what did they do when they had to make substitutes for things they were out of? They gave me chili, Mexican tortilla soup, and a few other things I don’t care for. They should have given me other things I ordered, figuring that I didn’t order sloppy Joes, for example, because I don’t like that. What really pissed me off were the things I got that they say I ordered which I know for a fact I didn’t order. The last thing I would order would be spicy Kung Pao noodle soup. What’s the point of paying extra to customize my plan if they’re just going to pick and choose for me?

I do like the chocolate shakes I was surprised with. They’re part of the Fast Five. I thought the Fast Five kit included a 5-day meal plan cuz that’s what the kit was for that I got in Walmart several months ago, but this is actually a 7-day plan. They expect you to lose 5 pounds during this, though one woman lost 7 while a guy lost 9. After the first week, then I go to the regular plan.

I’ve had my breakfast and I can certainly say their double chocolate muffins rock! Very rich, tasty and chock full of chocolate chips.

I have logged my first 190 calories and my first 2 cups of water. I logged my weight as well, but not my measurements yet. I’ll have Tom take those scary numbers when he gets up since it’s easier for someone else to measure us.

I kind of feel bad for letting Mitch have it like I did because he is having a rough time. He understands why I went off on him, though. At least I think he does. If he’s rude again in public I will simply remove him.

I was pissed to find that Prosebox is down again. This is their second attack in less than a month. At least I think that’s what it is. I really hope that the guy’s post about how the site is a little more responsibility than he would like since he didn’t expect it to become what it has, wasn't really a warning of sorts, like some kind of farewell. I did find it a bit odd that he would only accept private comments on the entries. I've never known him to do that before. I would hate to see the site go because it’s so unique and I love the way that we can create different books for different things, but whatever happens, happens. I don't think it's been shut down, though, because I get a message saying that the site administrator has been notified of the problem and not a ‘page not found’ notice. Time will tell. What sucks is the timing. If he hasn’t intentionally shut it down it could be a few days till it’s back up again what with the holidays and all that.

Unlike some folks, I’m smart enough to keep copies of my stuff in other locations, but what would really suck would be if I couldn’t access my Dreams book. I add my dreams to a single draft post throughout the month that I publish at the end of it, and then I copy it elsewhere. Worst case scenario I search “dream” in my Word copy to weed out the dreams, but that’d be a hassle I hope I won’t have.

This is the second time in less than a month this has happened and it’s already getting old. Let’s hope the guy either sells the site to someone who’s more into the idea of keeping it going or that he gets his shit together. And damn the person who attacked the site, if it was indeed attacked. Kind of makes you wonder who the hell the guy could’ve pissed off bad enough, but maybe the provider was the target and not Prosebox specifically.

If it’s gone for good, I wonder if any of my friends and followers there will look me up on other sites? Either way, I’m like most people in that I’m easily bored with tales of things that don’t interest me. Can’t say I’ll miss the pregnancy/baby stories. Just how in the world do so many mothers find the time to sit and write and read on blogging/journal sites as often as they do anyway?

Later…

So NS didn't mess up after all. The unordered items I got are part of the free week I received. So I've got 5 weeks of food here, not 4. Next shipment launches on 1/29.

Tom and I worked out and he took my measurements before leaving for work, which he hopes to escape from early. What scary numbers! My thighs are as big as my waist should be. It’s like I’m proportioned well, but I’m not. I’m still an hourglass; I’m just a rather half-assed one. I need to lose half a foot off my chest and hips and a foot off my waist. I doubt, however, that I’ll be the 35-25-35 I used to be with 18” thighs. Instead, my measurements are:

Arms: 12, Chest: 41, Waist: 37, Hips: 42, Thighs: 25

Got a direct hit to my Blogger blog from San Antonio with what I’m pretty sure was from Molly who does have family in that area. She’s not in Austin now but is soon heading back there.

So she does revert back to her old ways in cases of idle hands? This is what I worry about when she leaves Marbridge. When she doesn’t have that place keeping her busy and she’s no longer being stalked by Josh, does she then revert back to Aly and I? Still can’t believe she’s gone this long without mentioning Aly in her blogs. That just doesn’t seem like her at all and I don’t care how much she may’ve changed. Something’s gotta be up with that. I sometimes wonder if Aly is still her friend and has somehow gotten her to keep her mouth shut about it and are hiding their friendship, but Aly swears she’s not in touch with her.

So then where is the “I miss Alison… Please forgive me… You’re a wonderful person… I hope we can move on and be friends…” kind of thing?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2014 I was surprised to get up to find that my Nutrisystem order is to arrive tomorrow. That fast?! I never would have gotten as many groceries as I did had I known it would come this fast, but it’s only shooting over from Reno, so it turns out. This is good timing as my weight was starting to climb. I’m still working out, as usual, but I’ve been overeating more often lately.

Looking forward to a healthier me (but not the hunger as I get used to the smaller portions), and now I have to decide if I want to start tomorrow or the next day.

Gotta make some preparations first. Gotta make some space in the pantry and get my NS profile ready to go for weight/food/measurement logging and all that. It will be torturous but fun! :)

I was swimming in a pool, and then I was standing on a deserted shoreline in my dreams last night. I wanted to take a dip in the ocean, but the waves were too big to trust.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2014 For the first time since I've known my cyber friend Mitch, he was actually pretty rude to me on Facebook. I sometimes share some questions and answers from my first Ask account, and when I got up I found a rude comment asking if there was any way to block this “Ask crud.”

Is there some reason he couldn't ask me this in private? Being blunt is one thing, being rude is another. It's sad to see this once fun and creative guy turn into a little more than a political drunk. No wonder he's always complaining that people badmouth him, and he even said something about being hit with a slander lawsuit. Well, he can either be more polite, or he can take a broom handle and shove it up his ass hard enough to knock his amazingly yellow teeth out.

Yesterday we made the Nutrisystem order I was planning to make. It was fun picking out all the foods since I got the custom Core Plan. Tom cracked me up because knowing how much he’d hate most of the foods, he said, “This would be easy for me. For breakfast, all I’d have to do is just order 21 chocolate donuts.”

The order is actually for 28 days, but it includes a free Fast Five in which the food is preselected. I'm looking forward to popping out these muscles and getting healthier, but I'm definitely not looking forward to the hunger part of it. As with any major change, things take time to get used to.

Their site seems pretty amazing with lots of support as well as fun tools to help keep you motivated. You log your measurements every month, your weight every week, and every day you check off how many cups of water you drink, as well as what you did for exercise, and then what you ate.

They also have blogs, journals, and a support community. You can even contact a counselor when the going gets tough.

We also ordered a couple of toe rings for me, and then Tom told me he wanted a new scale. I said, “Why do we need a new scale? The one we have works fine.”

But this one measures more than just your weight. Using an electric current that runs through your feet that you're not supposed to be able to feel, it also measures your water bone and muscle density. Sounds pretty pricey, but it isn't.

Had another dream of my dentist for some reason. I was gift-wrapping a long box that looked like it may have contained a couple of long fluorescent bulbs, LOL, much like what we just replaced in our kitchen. I knew that she knew that the gift was for her, and so when I tried to move it out of her view until I got it all wrapped, she stepped back so that it would be harder for her to see what it was. Then she said something about wanting to do something special for my birthday. I smiled like a happy kid, jumped up, ran and threw my arms around her.

"Aw," she goes. LOL

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2014 Gonna be ordering Nutrisystem’s Core Plan later on, but I still wonder if my metabolism is alive enough to do this. I sure hope so! It says to expect to lose 5 pounds the first week, then 1-2 a week. I’d just hate to spend the money only to lose 3-4 pounds despite sticking to it faithfully. That is, after all, why I haven’t dieted in so long. I got sick of the initial few-pound loss and then how my body would stop losing even though I would keep dieting. If I’m going to work really hard I want to see results for my efforts!

Realized I haven’t had backaches in a while now. Wonder if it’s cuz I switched pillows or because I added back flies to my workout routine. Fucking winter, though! I want to exercise outside yet it is too cold. I miss the fresh air. We’re going to be in the high 20s in a few nights. Ugh!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2014 Yesterday I had some random memories pop into my mind of my mother. One of them was about the way she would taunt me about my weight as a child. I have pictures throughout my entire youth yet where the hell was I “fat?” The only fat spells I had was a brief one when I was in my late teens, then after I quit smoking, and then when my thyroid crashed. But even at my fattest, I was never literally huge or anywhere near as big as she was.

It never ceases to amaze me how full of hypocrites this world really is. Lonely is the one who picks on those who prefer not to have tons of friends. Poor is the one who picks on those who don't have much money. Fat and ugly is the one who picks on others for the way they look. Deceptive is the one who insists others are always bullshitting them.

Another memory I had which I have written about in the past is definitely the worst memory I have pertaining to my mother. I don't remember exactly how old I was but I couldn't have been more than 10 or so. We were at the beach at our summer cottage when I decided that I would go on a starvation diet that also included not having any liquids. At that age, I sure as hell didn't know any better.

On the second or third day of this “diet”, I awoke incredibly weak and unable to get out of bed. Our cottage was tiny and I called to my mother for help who sat in the next room playing backgammon with her best friend Charlotte. She refused to help me, saying that I got myself into that mess so I would just have to be the one to get myself out of it. I can tell you for damn sure that had that kitchen not been right off the bedroom I slept in, there's a damn good chance I may have died. I don't think she ever even realized just how much of a risk she took by carelessly ignoring my cries for help. It took me hours to muster up the strength just to jump up and grab a devil dog, which was the closest thing I could grab from the kitchen. Then it seemed to take me another hour just to open the damn thing and eat it.

If she could materialize long enough I would absolutely torture her. Forget about all the other millions of things she put me through. I will never ever forgive her or the God above that sat back and allowed her to do the things she did to me. Must’ve been pretty fucking funny in His eyes. They say that when we go through shit in life it’s only God “testing” us. Yeah, how fucking tough do you think a 10-year-old kid is, you bastard?! How tough should she be?

Well, if there truly is an afterlife where we all meet up with dead family members, and if there truly is a God, not even He can stop me from inflicting my own brand of hell should we meet beyond the pearly gates.

My nieces are already having problems at their new apartment. Kids throwing sticks and balls at cars in the parking lot, I guess. I can just imagine the noise.

In one dream I had last night, Tom and I went and got a bunch of rats. We assumed they were all male rats. Then it hit us that some could be females that could also be pregnant. We were wondering how we should handle all the babies and if we should just try to weed out whatever female rats we could find right then and there and return them to the store or what.

In another dream, I might have won a house, but my dream self didn't seem to know for sure. Well, the dream didn't go on long enough for me to find out. Meanwhile, my parents were present – again – and I was trying not to get ahead of myself and let myself get all excited in case I was wrong.

Later…

They weren’t kidding when they said that keeping a journal could help us to see things more clearly later on down the road that may’ve flown over our heads when we wrote them. I’m not just referring to how naïve and stupid I could be when I was younger, but how utterly stupid I was when it came to Maliheh. shakes head in disgust When she finally contacted me in 2010, she said she hadn’t contacted me until then because she was instructed not to. At the time I took this to mean because I had told her not to contact me when I thought she was messing with me online before I learned it was someone else. I then apologized for accusing her and contacting her friends and told her I hoped to hear from her. Well, in hindsight – and I can’t believe I missed this knowing how vindictive she was/is – I can see that she probably went right on the legal defensive when I first contacted her about a book loosely based on us with a major twist of an ending. In blunt English, she was no doubt hoping to “get” me in some way being the totally unforgiving, hateful, spiteful person she can be, which means she probably consulted a lawyer who told her not to contact me (until the lawyer saw she had no case).

She even paid to get a copy of the old police report, and of course, she stated “facts” when she first contacted me on the old MyOpera site that was totally false. Whether or not her memory was just messed up or she was intentionally lying, I do not know. All I know is that she asked me to dance the instant I walked into the place and not the other way around. She voluntarily gave me her number. I did not ask someone else for it. She kissed me on the cheek on the way out that night and not the other way around. My pranks to her went on for less than half the time she claimed they did. I never pranked her after I was summoned to court as she also claimed because I was too afraid to. Lastly, never did I order Fran to call and threaten her. If he did, he did that on his own and that was very wrong of him. The guy’s dead, so he can’t speak for himself. I can only speak for myself.

So she states facts, half of which are incorrect or not quite right, then she goes on to make all these demands of me and I could really kick myself for being too nice and too forgiving like I was all in the name of how she looked. If anyone’s learned a lesson about seeing past some people’s beauty and into the coldness of their hearts, it’s me. Damn me for kissing her ass like I did! Really, I could kick myself for that and all because she was hot? Well, inside she was the cruelest, hateful, deceptive, mean, vengeful person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Maybe she did come to care for me for a while – I don’t know. Only she knows that, but that doesn’t matter anymore. The fact is that she befriended me under false pretenses and that was to see to it that her name was kept out of the book, which it has been.

That much I can see a person wanting. That much was pretty reasonable; wanting your name kept out of something someone might profit from, but who the hell was she to tell me not to use her name in my own damn blog? To what did she think I owed her that much anyway? And if she was oh so innocent all those years ago, then what was she so afraid of? Huh? What was she so afraid of? What did Little Miss Victim have to hide that she wanted her name kept out of this and kept out of that? And how could I have been so blind to see that that’s classic behavior of one who knows they did something wrong and wants to keep it hidden?

Well, she can rest assured she’ll never be named in any past or future books of mine, but not mention her in my own damn journal? I don’t think so! She’s out of my life and I seldom refer to her, but that’s my right to do so as long as I keep it within the law! I have read up on blogger’s rights and there is nothing that says I can’t use first names. Nothing. I have two rules I always abide by – no full names or other sensitive info and no threats. If you’re not a friend of mine, I’m not going to cater to your privacy wishes. Period. There is no law that says we can’t use first names as long as it’s not a public figure we’re insisting we had some wild affair with or something like that.

I’m sorry I let her appearance cloud my judgment. I normally see right through people’s bullshit. Had I not been so damn stupid where she was concerned, I could’ve seen what she was really after when she contacted me a few years ago, promising to always be my friend until she one day disappeared forever, realizing she’d gotten what she wanted and that I was no longer of any use to her. The dumb Jodi put up with her shit. The smart Jodi would slam the door in her face if she showed up here starving and homeless. She is just an absolutely miserable person that will no doubt continue to alienate people through her poor treatment of others, and I’m sure she still loves to use the law to get at those that piss her off, be it neighbors or anyone else. Probably still reads my blog here and there always looking for ways to screw me. shakes head sadly Some people are just born haters. I’m gonna end it right here. Thinking about her any more than I have to makes me sicker than sick. Why do some people hate themselves so much that they feel the constant need to make others just as miserable as they can, be it through the law or just by playing with their heads?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2014 Last night I had a long detailed dream involving a visit to my still very much alive parents who wanted to pay to move us to Florida where they had a ground-floor apartment. The only catch was that we were still living in Phoenix, Arizona, and we had to stay with them until we got our own place. In reality, I would go back to Oregon before I stayed with them! I could stand my father but not my mother.

My dream self was torn because it isn't very often that somebody offers to pay you to move you long distance, but I didn't know how I could deal with having to sleep with Tom and the sleep schedule thing. Tom suggested that I simply explain it to my parents. I laughed at him and said, “You know how it is with people. When they don't get it, it simply doesn't exist. Period.”

I asked my father if it was quiet as we all sat in their living room. My mother said nothing and kept her eyes glued to the TV while Dad confirmed it was quiet. Pointing at the living room wall, I asked, is there somebody behind that wall? He nodded, and then I pointed to the opposite wall, which was in their kitchen, and asked if somebody was behind that wall as well. He nodded again.

In private I asked Tom if he thought maybe they were tired of us being so far away and if they liked the idea of us being closer to Tammy. He said he thought that could be part of it, but that we had to really be sure that's what we wanted to do since it wouldn't be that easy to get back out west once the move was made. Realizing we may never be able to move that far again until he was retired, I thought it through in my mind and decided we should go for it.

Suddenly, Andy and I were talking outside my parents’ place. He went inside the front door to wash his hands in the bathroom. A minute later, I followed, darting through the living room and by my dad who sat watching TV. I ran through to the back of the place, loving the feel of the solid floor beneath my feet that was on a concrete foundation, and then we slipped out the back door to go wherever.

I woke up for a minute, fell back asleep, and the dream actually continued with us returning to Phoenix to discuss things in further detail, and to Nane, who rented a room in our house for a steep $1200 a month, LOL.

Tom was taking a nap and Nane was packing her truck, telling me she planned to move on soon as well. I pretended to feel indifferent towards her as we spoke, but then I felt a twinge of sadness and I quickly kissed her goodbye before I turned and went indoors. I sat down to play a keyboard that had what I thought would be various sound effects programmed in it. Instead, they were simply clips of popular songs.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2014 Very disappointed in my bronze Tamsin statue of a sitting nude lady. She’s half the size of the other two I have from that series. The figurine is a fine sculpt; it’s just way too small.

As they say, we can’t just eat right and work out, we have to eat less in order to lose more than just a few pounds. So I cut back the last two days after I’d begun to climb and lost 5 pounds. Ah, but they will be back real soon, for we are going to Denny’s in a few hours for my final eat-out meal before Nutrisystem. I tried their peanut butter and fudge pancakes when Andy visited and they were so damn good. I must have one more round before the diet begins! Nutrisystem does allow for snacks; just snacks that are 100 calories a pop and not over 1000.

So the video backs up the officer’s claims of self-defense, huh? So what. People are going to pitch a fit over it anyway seeing that some people obviously believe they should be allowed to be the thugs that they are without repercussions.

Not much in the way of dreams last night. Just something about us still being with the Jes pest and him saying he would put the dogs in a spot that would bother the hell out of me when we left. He would never be that considerate in person. When it came to his mutts, he was going to do what he was going to do, and to hell with those it may’ve put out.

Later…

Just got done playing with the rats, one of whom did not want to go home and is utterly obsessed with my slippers. I was sitting on the couch and the slippers disappeared one by one underneath it. Then we played our chase games and I got some laundry started.

It's been a very quiet Christmas for what parts of it I've been around for. I thought there'd be lots of traffic coming and going and that people would have tons of company but it's pretty dead around here.

Last night we went to Denny’s and I had my last pre-Nutrisystem gourmet feast. A handsome young black man who was rather slow waited on us, but it was still nice. Well, with the exception of the homeless man nearby with the cough from hell. I guess it's safe to say that after all these hours whatever it was he had wasn't contagious.

I ordered pancakes smothered in peanut butter and hot fudge, eggs, bacon and French fries. Everything that’s fattening and unhealthy whether you have high cholesterol or not.

This weekend we will be ordering the Nutrisystem plan I have chosen and I will begin in early January. Tom wants to lose weight too, and wants this new high-tech scale that measures your body fat, lean mass, water weight, and bone mass. Not sure it’s worth it, though. I mean it’s just going to tell me I’m small-boned, have more muscle than the norm, get watery once a month, and aren’t that fat but could still stand to lose a little. I’ll let Tom decide if he wants it or not.

The best news is that it’s been one whole month since I needed a chill pill! Yeah, Doc C, I really needed a shrink to get to this point. spoken with sarcasm I couldn’t possibly have been on too high a dose of levothyroxine.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2014 So another black kid, Antonio Whateverthehell, got shot he was supposedly unarmed and as innocent as a newborn babe. And of course, it won't matter if the kid turns out to be a criminal who was actually threatening the cops into believing that their lives may be in danger because he was black, right? I mean so what if white people get shot too that don't deserve to be shot. After all, they're only white, and these days white lives don't seem to matter nearly as much. Do you see anybody rioting and looting for them? I sure don’t.

But I'm also the last person to be a fan of the cops. I know without a doubt the corruption that goes on within any law enforcement agency in the world. Remember, once upon a time I saw it firsthand. Many, many times. As soon as you deal with anybody with any kind of authority, you're almost always dealing with corruption. Despite the corruption out there, I know that color has absolutely nothing to do with the reason the vast majority of those get shot. They get shot because they’re criminals. Period. Act like a thug and you shall be treated like a thug. Are there some who are framed, or brought in on exaggerated, trumped-up charges? Absolutely. But that’s about power and control, not about color. The problem with most cops is that they want to “get” somebody. Anybody.

Yet in truth, if that many cops wanted to shoot people simply because they were black, there would be a million times more shootings going on, and I don’t have to be a legal or race expert to know this. Anyone with common sense could see this, but I realize most aren’t going to want to. A small handful of cops may be genuinely prejudiced, but the vast majority of them aren't, and if they are, they're not about to act on it. Not in this day in age where it’s not “politically correct” and people want to kill you for it. 50 years ago, sure.

I also realize that people are going to believe what they're going to believe. No matter what evidence is turned up along the way as they investigate this case, once people make up their minds about what to believe, nothing is going to change it. If it turns out that this cop is married to a black woman people will still run around saying that it was all about race.

Do I feel guilty or ashamed for what my own personal opinions and beliefs are? Nope. Absolutely not. I make no apologies for how I feel, “normal” or not, and neither should anybody else. As far as who’s right and who’s wrong in this particular case, I guess only time will tell. Or maybe we’ll never know. Maybe the only ones who can ever really know what happened are those involved, and one of them is dead.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014 Signing in on what's a quiet day that will hopefully stay quiet. Didn't get up till early afternoon, so I don't expect that much noise anyway between now and when it gets dark. The only annoyance is that they just turned our water off. I’d have been pissed if I were in the shower.

All I remember from last night's dreams had something to do with Doc C and her parents and my parents all getting together in the same house. My parents decided they had to leave as soon as her parents got there, and I was hoping that her parents wouldn't think they left because they didn't like them or anything like that.

Suddenly I realized I was hungry and I looked in her refrigerator to find slices of bologna and a package of cheese slices. I didn't want to raid what little was in her refrigerator so I just peeled some of the edges off the bologna and ate that.

Then I saw a map of a floor plan lying on a table. It was the house that I knew she intended to get that was over 2000 square feet. Next to a room on the corner of the plan, she wrote, “Me and queer.” As I pondered who “queer” was, it then hit me that the party I was at probably had something to do with her getting this house. I wanted to chat with her but she was always talking with somebody else and I didn't want to rudely butt in and interrupt them. And so I remained more or less in the shadows watching the people mingle.

Cutting back my food intake yesterday paid off since I'm down 2.2 pounds. My weight had been starting to climb, though it could have been water retention. I'm trying to take it easy anyway and sort of prep my body for Nutrisystem. That's coming up in a couple of weeks or so from now.

Tom will be home in a couple of hours, and I wish it stayed lighter longer because then he might be more tempted to go on a bike ride with me. You know I think indoor working out is incredibly boring. It's better than nothing, though. I guess I'll go post this and then decide when I want to do today’s housecleaning.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014 This isn’t going to be a very long entry since I don’t have much to say. I don’t even remember my dreams from last night. It seems my dentist and her assistant may’ve been in one of them, and then there was something about packing.

Well, Andy should be done packing and on his way back to winter after enjoying a week of summery weather. Our T-shirt weather came back yesterday, though today’s not as sunny.

I looked on Amazon and Walmart for ring holders, and sure they have some cute ones with nice shiny colors. But when I saw one of a cat whose tail is used to hold rings, I thought to myself, bet I could save $5 - $20 and find one of my animals has a suitable tail to hold rings. Sure enough, I have a cat and a dog with tails sticking straight up. Decided the Siberian husky would make the best ring holder. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to end up with 20 toe rings anyway. Not with how hard they are to get on and off and adjusted properly. They don’t slip on and off like rings, and if they do, you won’t have them for very long.

Later…

I love Andy like a brother but I hate so much of his personality these days. I'm trying to think of excuses for not checking in with him as much that he'll actually buy and be okay with. Well, he may not be okay with it, but he’ll at least get it. I don't want to get into any kind of sophisticated lie, of course, but I’m trying to come up with something that's simple and believable. If I just say I don't feel like being online as much he's not going to buy it. He will suspect something is up and that it has to do with him personally. I know him.

So Kim got mad at Aly and didn't talk to her for a while today. Aly was trying to point out that she has reading comprehension problems that she can get over with time just like she did. Well, she took it personally. Honestly, though, I think Kim is naturally dumb, maybe even retarded. I'm sure there's some kind of mental defect in her brain. After all, she's got to be on disability for a reason besides the fact that she's crazy.

I still don't understand why Aly, or anybody else for that matter, would choose to surround themselves with people that are that fucked in the head. I know it’s her life and all that, but she says that they go back 10 years and her feelings for Kim are complicated and not so black and white.

I know I did the same thing myself when I was younger as far as mixing with the wrong people. Stupidity and instability were all I seemed to attract, and I was too nice and too forgiving to walk away from it. But then one day I grew older and wiser, and walk away was exactly what I did. The older me would never in a million years be friends with the likes of Fran, Nervous, and probably not even Andy.

Why would anybody want to be friends with a known liar and stalker, though? With people that are so damn selfish that they lack empathy and don't care to pay attention to what their friends say. The constant stupidity alone would drive me crazy. Forget about all the lies and lack of sensitivity.

I know my growing pickiness has made me less tolerant, but whether or not my frustrations are right or wrong, I have no tolerance for brain-dead, selfish people who can’t shut up and haven’t an ounce of compassion for others.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2014 When I got up I heard people talking outside and thought the phone company was back, but nope. Then the landscapers came around that got rained out last week, and then the guy in the garage on the opposite corner began working in his garage. Although his sawing isn’t as loud as Bob’s since he’s a few houses away, it can still be heard on this side of the house. I swear every other garage is used as a workshop here. As Andy asked, what’s the point of having a retirement community if they’re going to allow such loud sounds? And damn the cock neighbors! Never have I had a female neighbor that sawed and hammered like this. Never.

I realized next door isn't on vacation after all. It later hit me that last year they also left their garage light on as a reminder so they would remember to turn their Christmas lights off before they went to bed.

Tom and I went out riding. I threw a few pieces of bread in my basket and we went down the “rollercoaster” and to the lake. We fed the ducks, then I sprinted off and really gave Tom a run for his money that left him out of breath, LOL. I’m gaining confidence as I get back to my old self. In less than a week, it will have been one month since I needed a chill pill and all the more reason I want to slap both my old docs for not recognizing that the problem was the meds and not me. I don’t care how hot one of them might’ve been! Again, it’s why I canceled the friend request if she even got it in the first place.

As I mentioned the other day, I sent Paula a letter. One of these days I'll give her a call, but right now I’m not in the mood to listen to her ramble on and on about the same old shit for an hour or so, and then realize when I hang up that all I said was “yep, uh-huh, yeah, oh, okay, sure.”

I was browsing Amazon Prime for new music. How is it that today's music has gotten to be so utterly boring as it has?

Safari was running awfully slow so I went back to Firefox. The only thing I'll miss is the autocorrect.

In last night’s dreams, I was dying my hair with a dye that dried instantly and required no rinsing, then I was living in my grandparents’ house, and finally, I was watching footage from long ago of a bunch of people being captured. I don’t know why or who they were, but we watched one little girl try to run off before some guy caught her. The people I was watching the footage with were trying to guess where they’d been taken. I seemed to think they were somewhere in Europe.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2014 What is today’s annoyance? Oh, just the phone company searching for bad wires around here somewhere, probably next door since they’re digging under their house. At least they aren’t running any loud equipment. Not yet anyway. I hear voices in the master bedroom, but nothing on this side of the house. That’s part of why I moved my office into this room; they’ve usually got a little too much going on over there between projects and services, though I haven’t heard any sawing or hammering since I last talked to him. I’m sure that’s more because of the weather than because he suddenly got hit with a dose of common courtesy.

The green waste people did pick up our green waste after all. It really looked like the truck just drove on by and ignored the bin. I'm glad they did pick it up after all.

Now the phone company people are gabbing on this side of the house and they just slammed something on one of their trucks 8 or 9 times. Packing up their equipment, I guess. What will it be tomorrow, the electric company again? The cable company? Or will someone have a tree cut down?

My hair is continuing to thin out and I wonder when it is going to stop. I suppose I should be glad since my hair was already so thick and thinner hair is certainly easier to manage. But I guess because I'm not used to having it thinner, I just don't feel comfortable about it. I hope it stops before I have to consider Rogaine for women.

I looked at the different Nutrisystem plans they have to offer. There are three of them and they range from about $260 a month to $330. I decided I'm going to go with the middle plan. This one lets me choose my own foods. I just don't have as much to choose from as with the third plan, but it’s enough.

When Tom told me our grand total of income for the last year and a half I was nearly blown away. $54,000! I couldn’t fucking believe it! Us, the people that were forced to live on just $1200 a month for two years! We have come a looong way! Can’t mention the specifics online. All I’ll say is that Maui's looking more and more possible, even if a million things could happen between now and when he retires. Still not sure if he’ll work till he’s 70, though. Not if things keep looking as good as they have been. Not sure if he’ll retire at 62, either. We could make it, but not as comfortably.

Last night I dreamed I was with 2 or 3 Italian women who looked like characters from a book I wrote years ago. Steve, this wonderful black guy who lived across the hall from me in an apartment building in Springfield, MA in 1990, was also in the dream. He was one of the greatest people I ever knew. Very smart, very friendly, very helpful. Had looks not mattered to me (he wasn’t ugly, but he was just there), I’d have married him. Glad I didn’t, though, cuz Tom’s even smarter and friendlier and even more helpful.

Anyway, I was trying to help the Italian woman with a computer problem but was only getting so far. So I called upon Steve and was so glad to see him. I ran to him for a hug and he lifted me off my feet during our embrace just like he would in real life. It sucks that I’ve never been able to find him. I’ve always wondered how he’s been over the years.

In the second dream, I was in Maui. I had gone with Aly and didn’t seem to know Tom. The hotel room looked like a regular room, only there was also an enclosed bedroom. I was asleep in the enclosed room and woke up in the middle of the night. When I stepped out of the room, it was pitch dark in the main room. I thought I saw movement in the darkness, though, and worried someone broke into the room, not thinking Aly would just walk around in the dark like that without saying anything. I turned on the light and found I was alone.

I heard a hotel staff member walk by outside and asked her what time it was. She said it was 4am and it worried me that Aly wasn’t back yet from wherever she’d gone off to when she dropped me off at the room earlier in the night.

I thought I overheard her mention fugitives to someone else and once again I wondered if something had been in our room. I quickly found my purse and made sure everything was intact, and it was.

Then I stepped through a part of the wall that only had a curtain hanging in that section of it and marveled at the perfect temperature and breeze. I realized how cold it would be back home at the moment. I could see people roaming about down on the beach despite the hour and looked up to see a surprising amount of stars visible in the night sky.

Then my worries went back to Aly’s whereabouts. I realized I had no idea how to get home on my own since she was the one who had been taking care of the ground and air transportation. Convinced I may never be able to get back to the mainland, I realized this was my chance to live in the perfect climate. Then I told myself to stop kidding myself. I said, “You can’t go without a place to live or without food. You can’t survive on the streets in an ideal climate any more than you could in a colder one. That’s why you nearly killed yourself, remember?”

Desperate to find Aly, I was off in search of my smartphone so I could see if I could get ahold of her, wherever she was, and that’s where the dream ended.

Later…

Just thought I would take some time to write down some thoughts, even though I'm actually speaking them right now. I just have to keep this private, since it’s about Kim. For the thousandth time, why the hell is it that this stalker is acting like she's the victim? Why has she blocked me on Twitter when she's the one that stalked me for many years?

It started when I checked out Aly’s followers out of curiosity. I found many of Kim's so-called fan pages in dedication to her celebrity obsession. That was when I noticed that she had blocked me as if I actually gave a shit. I don't know why it bothered me to see this, but it did. I really hate being treated like somebody I'm not, and I really hate to see others act like somebody they're not. I dumped this woman for lying to me and then she stalked me for years all the while playing the victim. Again, I know this shouldn't bother me and that I should just ignore it since it doesn't affect anything I do online, but for some reason, it really bothers me. Why do some people flatter themselves by thinking that people are giving them the attention they're not giving them? I just don't understand this, but if she’s as crazy as I think she is then she would really believe I’m watching her every move. Or maybe it's just one of the many roles that she likes to play. After all, she does love role-playing and she has admitted this herself. A part of me was tempted to make my tweets private, and then I decided not to let any of these trolls control my online actions. I'm not going to do anything because of what somebody else does, but because I want to do it.

The questions on Ask have stopped, so if it was Kim, she got scared off by my hinting at her street name, though I doubt it was Molly. Molly seems to have FINALLY let go and moved on from me. The reason I doubt Molly is because of the lack of blog views and because she’s so obsessed with Josh right now that she doesn’t even mention Aly. If she’s not focusing on Aly, then she sure as hell isn’t focusing on me. She wouldn’t go to Ask without going to Blogger.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2014 I "talked" out a 722-word letter to Paula, made some minor edits, then hit print. Amazing!

I was surprised yesterday when I heard Tom come home early. Well, they were having a Christmas party at work and he didn't think the food was very good so he left early.

After he came home we took the bikes out and rode for about a mile. He has an ear infection and I had cramps so we didn't want to go much further.

Last night I thought that next door might be on vacation because their garage light was on which they rarely ever have on. When they went on vacation last year the people that housesat for them left it on all the time, but it later went off so I guess they are not away.

Got some goodies in the mail (hey, I always do). Another one of those erotic figures made of cold cast bronze. Plus I'm going to put some of my work money towards a couple of new toe rings (which Google wanted to tell you were “toll rates”). One is blue glitter and the other is purple with a green vine-like design around it. I almost got a pink one with a dolphin, but wanted a design that wraps all the way around the ring. I hate it when the rings are upside down. I prefer rings that can never be upside down even when they are upside down.

Andy texted me to let me know it’s gorgeous in Pompano Beach. Not here. Here it’s raining, but I love how quiet it’s keeping things. Instead, Bob annoyed me in my dreams. I dreamed were actually attached to him and Virginia. Tom was taking a nap and I was just finishing up the dishes when I realized it was getting late in the afternoon. This made me hopeful that it would be quiet for the rest of the day, but sure enough, I heard what sounded like a drill start up. I woke up wondering if I should take the nicer route and say, “Hey, look. You can’t be doing shit like that around here with people so close to you.” Or should I just smash him over the head with the damn thing?

I am so fucking pissed! Last week they didn’t pick up our green waste. Tom called and was told it was recycle week that week. So we put our green waste bin out this week and the guy ignored it. I am going to be so fucking pissed if we were the ones that were right and they were the ones that fucked up!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2014 The instant I got up and clicked off my sound machine, I could hear Bob’s blower next door. This is the third day in a row too, that I got up at 9am. Guess something up there wants me to hear shit around here.

After his blower, and what might’ve been a few seconds of hammering, he got up on his roof to hose leaves off his carport roof.

I’m sure the park landscaping frenzy will begin any second now. I'm going to have to accept the fact that as long as we live here and as long as it's not raining or really hot, this place is going to be noisy whether I like it or not and whether I think a retirement community should be like this or not. We're going to be here for at least another decade unless we lose the place, so I am just going to have to learn to adapt once and for all. Quiet places may exist for others but they simply do not exist for me. Never has, never will.

My waste of time chat with Joy proves I need to just deal with it. After nearly two hours of something really loud running yesterday, I called and asked her why it’s a daily thing here while other places do their landscaping just once a week. I was surprised when she told me it was because if they don't keep up on it on a daily basis they not only get behind but they get calls with a lot of pissed-off people complaining. I am really surprised that people would rather hear all this racket for some pretty visuals. Of course you don't want the place to get too shabby looking but every single fucking day still seems a bit extreme to me. I realize, though, that the majority rules, and since I seem to be the only one here who’s bothered by it, they’re not going to change their routine anytime soon.

I realize that some of the racket could be coming from houses outside of the park as well as the golf course or the cemetery, but I really think it was inside the park.

Now I hear a car alarm going off. I may have to do my “talking texts” later in the evenings because it is just too distracting here in the daytime. At least it’s peaceful at night.

The “red lady,” as I have been referring to the woman across the street with the red SUV, has returned from wherever she was for a few days.

Later…

LMAO! I was trying to tell Aly via speech to text that I didn’t mind the parakeet we had over a decade ago singing when I was doing dishes, but would long to take a bat to the thing’s head when it would go on and on while I was trying to talk on the phone, and Google keeps saying I wanted to take a “bath.” LOL

Andy's on the plane now and on his way to his brother’s place in Pompano Beach. Hoping he forgot the damn Kindle! He should be busy having fun and doing things he doesn’t normally do, not playing online.

Tammy called yesterday and I decided to answer, figuring I wouldn't feel guilty about ignoring her as much as I hate chatting live as long as I answer at least every month or two, LOL. Most of the time I’m not even aware it’s ringing anyway.

She and Mark are doing the best they've done and probably what's years. They are now looking at manufactured homes for what I guess will be a retirement community. I told Tom that I warned her about having to deal with daily landscaping, but he had a good point in saying that maybe not because they don't have trees that lose their leaves there during the winter like we do here.

She is also continuing her work as a victim's advocate and says that her place is still quiet and the people are very friendly. I joke about moving in next door to her and how all that would change, and it's true, it would change if I moved in next to her. Noise loves to follow me wherever I go.

Anyway, she has Haitian neighbors that cooked dinner one night for them and she says it was really good.

I didn't know this but she almost died when she had a hysterectomy. I know she had a hysterectomy several years ago because of cancer, but I didn't know that she also had a staph infection that nearly killed her. So something up there likes to tease us both with death, I guess.

Last night I dreamed that I came upon a brown rat that looked like Tinkerbell, a rat we had about 8 years ago that was the best rat we ever had. She was just as friendly and playful as Tinkerbell was. She’d just had a litter of babies and I wanted to keep some of them, including her. I was watering some backyard somewhere and all the rats were sitting on the grass and I was trying not to get them too wet while I flooded a plant that had been drying out.

Then I had a dream involving my dad. I guess I was desperate or something because he handed me a wad of cash before they were to take him to prison for who knew what. I asked something like, “Will this save us?” and he looked at me as if to say of course it will.

Those bills must have been really big then!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2014 They said it was supposed to rain today but right now it just seems very cloudy. Last night it rained quite a bit and there was even a bit of thunder.

People have commented on how well I am able to remember a lot of my dreams. Well, the trick is to repeat keywords to yourself upon waking up, and then jot down notes as soon as you get out of bed. I have to wait for a half-hour before I can eat or drink because of my meds, so that is when I usually write these things down.

From last night’s dream, the only one I really remember is getting up in the middle of the night. I left our house and went outside. It was still pitch dark out. I walked a short distance to another building and was going to unlock the door and enter it when I realized it was already open. I saw light glowing deeper within and for a split second, I was worried that somebody broke into whatever this other building was that was supposed to be ours.

But then I saw Tom sitting by either a TV or a computer.

“It's 4:30 in the morning,” I said to him, and he started to talk but I don't remember what he said.

The only other things I remember are just little snippets of things but no details. Me standing in a shower stall, me looking at a stack of candy, me looking at a video of myself on a beach somewhere and thinking that I really didn't look that fat after all. And then there was somebody speaking incorrect Spanish saying “la gato” when it should’ve been “el gato.”

While Google’s speech-to-text is still pretty damn accurate, it comes up with some funny bloopers at times. Yesterday I was telling Tom that I heard landscaping, someone sawing somewhere, and chainsawing as well. Sometimes I refer to landscaping as Laubsaugers, which is German for leaf blower, and it thinks those are either lob suckers or love suckers. It was hilarious when the thing said, “Today I got to hear one chainsaw, one circular saw, and a lot of suckers.”

It also decided that anxiety is society, so when I told Tom I doubted that what I was feeling was anxiety, it came out as “I doubt it’s society because you were home at the time.” Haha.

Here we go right now with the daily landscaping/Laubsauger gig. Every. Fucking. Day. :( I knew the park would blow off my email suggesting they limit it to once or twice a week, too. Some people/businesses are going to do what they’re going to do no matter what.

Later…

Tammy called yesterday and yack, yack, yack, yack, yack! What is it with people not letting me get a word in edgewise these days? Do they feel I’ll bore the shit out of them or something, LOL? It was great to chat with her, but still, it would be nice if some people could JUST LISTEN at times AND care enough to remember more of what I say than just their own experiences. shrugs She’ll remember enough, though.

It seems that everyone I’ve talked to by phone or in the park rambles on and on and cuts me off, except for Tom. Jesse was like that, too. I don’t understand why people do this to me, but because there are so damn many mouths in this world it must be a common thing and not just something people feel the need to do to me personally. There are, after all, a lot of selfish people out there.

I finally heard from Paula today. She sent a Christmas card. While that was very nice of her and it’s great to finally hear from her, I dread calling her because I know I’m going to get the same non-stop rambling with her, too. There is nothing more frustrating than finally getting a word in edgewise just to be cut off in the middle of a sentence. She’ll ask me something and I’ll say a sentence or two. Then she’ll ramble on and on about how what I just said relates to her and I can’t finish whatever it was I was saying about that particular subject in the first place. Drives me fucking crazy! It’s part of why I don’t socialize much offline; cuz I know the friendship would have to be all about them and not us.

The fact that I didn’t get to tell her shit about me by the time we finally hang up (not that she would care to remember most of it anyway), seems rather sad. It just seems all wrong when I realize to myself that if I want her to know what’s going on with me I’ll have to send her a letter even though we were just on the fucking phone for an hour.

Can anybody ever just shut up and listen? Sometimes I want to talk, too. Sometimes I have stories to tell about my own experiences, and guess what? They're just as interesting as yours!

Ah, it felt so good to get that off my chest! My husband and my blog seem to be the only places I can vent anyway, LOL.

I’m also wondering why the Michigan PBer just peeked in on me. She’s the one that dumped me, so why the interest all of a sudden?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2014 Well, I can no longer say it rarely rains here. Today is supposed to be dry and so I don't expect it to be very peaceful. The landscapers have already been in front.

Still loving Google’s speech-to-text! I just hate it when I have to clear my throat or something because then it confuses it. I like to speak-write my journal and whatever dreams I can remember from the previous night while I am waking up with coffee. It's just that for some strange reason I wake up a little congested. I have no idea why since I do not smoke.

Although I have never been a fan of holidays and I personally find them to be more of a pain in the ass than anything else, I really like the seasonal flavored coffee creamers they have at this time of year. I'm trying the Snickerdoodle right now and it's pretty good. Not as good as Crème Brulee but it is still good.

I already got this journal entry out of order because once I pause the microphone in between thoughts, it causes the cursor to jump back to the very beginning. I will have to remember this in the future and also organize this entry before I post it online.

The person who always used to say that text messaging was a complete waste of time has already sent text messages to both Tom and Alison. I would still have that very same attitude if it weren’t for the fun speech-to-text.

Tom threw away my raspberry jelly last night. His airheaded wife did not refrigerate it after opening it like she was supposed to.

After my coffee is finished I need to jump in the shower and wash my rapidly shedding hair. I just hope that it doesn't thin to the point of bald spots. Right now it is still long, thick and curly.

I paused this entry to shower and eat. My day has been off to a rough start. I couldn’t eat in peace, thanks to the landscapers, and then I felt like something was stuck in my throat, which set off my anxiety. And then I had the runs a few times. I think I’ll survive, though.

My heart’s been a little racy the last few days, or more so it’s been beating hard than fast. Really hope it’s not connected to the medication.

Tom called the green waste people yesterday but it turns out that last week was recycle week, not green waste. Oops.

Last night I had a dream that one of my Prosebox buddies nursed me back to health when I had a really bad flu. I guess Tom was really busy or something and she felt the need to jump in and help, LOL.

I also dreamed that I was held somewhere against my will. I don't know what kind of a place it was, though. It seemed like money was needed to get me out so maybe there was some type of ransom demanded. Tammy told me that she was going away for a few days and one of the things she was going to be doing was gambling. My dream self knew that somehow her gambling and winning money would help get me out of there. I started to slip and tell her that somebody (Jessie?) already told me she was going gambling and made me promise not to tell anybody that they told me. Wherever this place was, they couldn’t have treated me too poorly because I was telling somebody, “People give me tea here.”

Aly had her upper teeth pulled yesterday. Says there’s been more bleeding than pain, and of course it feels really weird. It’s going to take time for her to get used to.

Andy is to be going to Florida in a few days and he told me that he would keep in touch with me on Ask just like he normally does. This is because he is taking his new Kindle with him, admitting that he can't go a day without going online. I am so sorry that he got that damn Kindle! They obviously aren't keeping him busy and entertained enough during his vacations. I like the occasional breaks from Ask because then it makes it more special when he returns.

Starting to wonder if any of the questions on my other Ask account came from Mary. As in Mary G turned Mary D. Someone from Fort Meyers entered my blog from there last night after I received some questions.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2014 Smartphones will spoil the hell out of you. I can't imagine ever not having one at this point in my life. I love how I can use Google speech to text and speak my journal entry into an email to myself and then later I copy it into the journal itself. I’m not typing this at all. Might have to make a few edits, though I do that anyway before I post things.

This speech-to-text program seems to be a lot more accurate than Dragon’s and other software I have used. As long as you don't talk too fast and you enunciate each word as clearly as possible it really is a wonderful thing to have. Very convenient. I still hate to talk on the phone live, but I can't imagine ever living without a smartphone ever again!

When I got up at six in the morning it was raining and it still is so I don't expect much noise today. Tom is going to call the green waste people because they did not pick up our green waste last week. He still wants to trim the bushes and back but the problem is that we need someplace to put the stuff.

I noticed since I got up that the lady across the street wasn't home. In fact, she wasn't home last night either. We saw a vehicle with blinking lights in front of her house and thought it was a cop car or an ambulance at first. But then we realized that it was some sort of service truck. I just hope nothing's wrong with her and she is simply going away for vacation. She is too quiet of a neighbor to lose. It would be my shit luck to have somebody move in there that was noisy. Someone who would leave their dog out in the carport to bark during the nicer weather. Someone who would do woodworking projects there as well. I wish all my neighbors could be single females because it's usually the men who are a problem as far as noise goes.

Facebook continues to be fucked up. A friend of mine has been unable to post anything on her account and now Andy got a three-day block on his own account as well. As soon as they pull something like this on me I'm definitely going to deactivate.

Dreams: A spider was slowly crawling down the wall of the bedroom. I grabbed a tissue and went to kill it but then I found that it was faster than hell. It continued on down the wall until it hit the floor and then it ran across the floor and disappeared.

Then I had a dream that we were living in what appeared to be a duplex. There was a Mexican couple living next door. I looked out our window and saw a bunch of cars, indicating that they were having a lot of company. A split second later I was next door with them. The woman was in her kitchen and the bedroom was right behind it and adjacent to our own bedroom. She said that her husband was asleep and they were trying to be quiet so they didn't wake him up. I had to wonder how the hell he could sleep through that many guests, quiet or not.

The last dream took place by what was either a river or a canal that was about 20 feet wide. Some woman walked up and approached the stairs that descended into the water on one side and I told her to be careful. “Okay,” she said.

Next thing I know she dives into the water and swims out into the middle of the canal. I thought to myself that the water had to be absolutely freezing. She then looks down into the water as if she's curious as to how deep it is and then submerges herself underwater. Soon I can barely see her head about 4 feet below the surface. It was at that point that I started to get really nervous.

Why is it that when I have dreams pertaining to sex it is usually me getting it on with myself and not somebody else getting it on with me? In another of last night's dreams, I was super horny and I went into the bathroom to put on this really sexy outfit, though I don't know why I would do such a thing. When I got back onto the bed thinking of some hot chick while I was at it, I came before I even got started.

Later…

I am still no closer to figuring out who is asking me questions on ask. My suspicions still lie with Kim or Molly. I do have a few other theories as well. There are so many people it could be for various reasons. The person asked me why I haven't updated my my-diary lately. This is the exact same question they have asked me before. So if it isn't Kim or Molly, it is at least somebody who is connected to that site or at least very aware of it. Could it be that Noone that loved to complain that I complained too much? I highly doubt that it is Molly's mother because she still should be in pretty bad shape.

Molly doesn't often mention her mother in her blog. It is mostly about her mixed emotions about Josh and the people at Marbridge making her life hell, supposedly. The only thing that goes against it being Kim is the correct spelling. The thing that goes against it being Molly is the lack of her appearing to visit my blog.

I also wonder if it could be someone else I know or have known. Andy, Tammy, Eileen, Mitch, Aly, someone in Arizona, etc. First guess is still Kim or Molly. If it is Kim, that would mean she’s not as scared of me as Aly says she thinks she is. I hinted at knowing where she lives (Kim), so if they suddenly stop asking me questions, I might suspect it was Kim and NOW she really is scared of me.

Aly says Molly messaged her on thoughts, but since she can’t delete her account there, she’s just ignoring it.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2014 It has been cold, dry, and at least somewhat noisy during the daytime. I have heard sawing for the last two days that is really distracting and annoying. Don’t think it’s coming from inside the park, though. This is the shit I thought I left behind in the woods of Auburn, but apparently not.

Although I know it won’t do me any good, I finally went to the park’s website and gave them a piece of my mind on the daily landscaping and the allowing of loud power tools for unnecessary work. They have sections designated for gardening, so why not for woodworking, too? And why don’t they restrict both the park and the homeowners to just 1 or 2 days a week with the landscaping? This is a retirement community. I should be peaceful! Yet in the morning, I will have to listen to the park do the same area they just did barely 24 hours ago, then in the afternoon I will hear so and so trimming bushes, and then in the evening so and so will be out to saw, hammer, mow or blow.

So last night I was packing our things in my dreams from some really big room on an upper floor. Andy came upstairs at one point and I told him to tell Tom I’d be done in 10 minutes. Yet the more I packed the more it still seemed I had tons of stuff to pack.

I then dashed throughout the room and said something like, “Thank goodness for being in shape.”

I also pulled a tiny corner shelf out of the wall and noticed that the lights kept turning off on their own.

Then my VH sister Becky appeared and suddenly it was daytime.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2014 Supposedly, Kim found me by accident on Prosebox, freaked out and is considering leaving there that’s how scared she is of me since I let her know what I would do if she continued not to leave me alone. This is what Alison told me anyway. Also according to Aly, she’s so scared of me that she doubts she reads my tweets or would be asking me questions on Ask, even anonymously.

I love it when stalkers play the victim. rolls eyes Anyway, I first thought it might be Molly, but the spelling is too correct, Molly’s only online every few days from what her Josh blog says, and she never peeked in my blog. I just find it odd that she would check me out on Ask and not my blog. Then again, I also find it odd that she hasn’t mentioned Aly in so long. Too preoccupied with Josh maybe? Molly also says in her blog that she’s only online every few days, so we’ll see if they ask things when she appears to have updated her blog.

The questions appear to be from someone who’s questioned me anonymously in the past, based on the wording, but they’ve been innocent questions like do I celebrate holidays and things like that. They do, however, seem afraid to identify themselves. They ignore me when I ask if I ever talked to them before on a blogging site.

I checked to see if gifts could be sent without an account, and they can. They just can only be sent anonymously that way, of course. Maybe this is the same person that sent me a birthday gift. Whoever it is definitely wants to keep their identity secret and I can only think of two reasons why. They’re either someone who knows I can’t stand them, or they might feel I’ll be more truthful in my answers if they don’t reveal who they are. Can’t say they’re fishing for personal info, because nothing personal has been asked of yet pertaining to my location or anything like that.

It could be anyone – Kim, Aly, my own sister, a VH sister, Eileen, Christine, Nane… anyone. Pretty sure they’re in the US based on their apostrophes, which look sort of backward in EU, though I can’t speak for other continents because I’ve had limited contact with people over there as opposed to EU.

Did a little test to see if they came to their own defense by impersonating them with additional questions I made sure appeared to be from them. Anonymously, of course. I had them say things like they would tell me who they were in time, but could I guess in the meantime? It will be interesting to see if they go along with it or not.

Maybe I’ll even do an Andy test to see if my suspicions are right about him liking to talk about something the less I want to hear about it. On Facebook, I can make a post only he can see when I start my diet, asking people to go easy on the food talk and see if he turns right around and mentions food two seconds later.

I definitely agree with a point Tom made earlier in that part of his memory issues is a personality thing. He’s selfish, as he himself admitted. Selfish people tend to only remember their own experiences.

Later…

The weekend is here! Tom’s still asleep, but later on we’ll be going to Walmart. I hope he’s up before it gets too crowded.

It also looks like the weather will be nice enough to get in a bike ride. It’s supposed to be dry all weekend. The rain is to return on Monday. Perfect timing! Our highs are only in the 50s these days and right now it’s a chilly 48°.

For dreams, I was sitting with Tammy somewhere and bitching to her about the lack of home jobs available for those unable to work outside of home.

Then I got a quick “glimpse” into the past and viewed a scene of my mother and her mother in a kitchen somewhere. My mother couldn’t have been a day over 16. My grandmother was still somewhat thin and had her hair pulled back in a ponytail. What is it with this bitch showing up in my dreams so much lately anyway?

Then I had a dream Aly was in. It was as if I didn’t know Tom. I don’t know where she and I were living at the time, but we were planning to get an apartment together. She was to take care of the expenses and I was to take care of everything else.

So we were at some club and the dance floor was packed. Some German guy that spoke no English kept badgering Aly for a dance but she wasn’t interested. She told me to tell him to back off and I did. The guy took off and Aly said something about how I seemed to know a lot of German. “Well, we know who to thank for that,” I said.

She then pulled me by the arm toward the dance floor and said, “Well, I’m glad you’re not friends with her right now. Let’s dance!”

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2014 Still raining out. Hasn’t rained like this in years! I’d rather be on the beach in Maui, but it sure is keeping things quiet around here.

Felt a touch jittery yesterday, but nothing serious. I’m fine now and I hope I stay that way. It’s been two weeks since my last chill pill, which might be a record for me.

I just wish I wasn’t so torn on things at times! Should we get a kitten or stick to rats? Should I cut my hair to my shoulders or let it keep growing? It’s almost to the middle of my back when pulled straight. Do I try Nutrisystem for a month or do I just stay the way I am since I’m only a little overweight?

Had a dream that I was in the house where I grew up that was next to my maternal grandparents. The only difference was that you could see into their backyard in the dream from the cellar window which didn’t exist in real life and wasn’t as huge as this one was. Nana was in her backyard leading an aerobics class or something. She saw me looking out the window at her and she mouthed the words, “Yes, you can do this too,” with body language that hinted at sarcasm. I was busy doing laundry, though.

Later…

Sometimes I still wonder about Andy. Is he really having memory issues, or just playing with me? His admission yesterday sort of confirmed that he likes to gross me out/annoy me when I commented on a pic of a hairy guy he posted being gross. His response was that he “loves showing me pics of hairy guys.”

And other things he knows I don’t like or care for? I’ve wondered this at times. I mean it’s just a coincidence (or is it) that he posts a pic of pizza after I mentioned on Facebook that my meds were making me hungry. How about when I mentioned, also on Facebook, signs of those preoccupied or even obsessed with food and then he turns around and mentions what he’s having for dinner? There was something else he recently did that made me wonder, and well, I’ve had these same suspicions all along.

The memory issues and the OMG stupidity are getting to me, too. How many times do I have to explain the same goddamn things to him? He last asked me if there were others I texted besides Tom. Just 5 hours earlier I told him I texted with Aly. I asked if he was reading my questions/answers in haste, and I get, “What do you mean, reading in haste?” I am so ready to beat my head into the wall where he’s concerned! Just what is it with him??? Early dementia? Just not paying attention? Not giving a shit? Playing games? This isn’t just an issue of forgetfulness, but an issue of stupidity as well. He just doesn’t get things you would think most people would get.

I don’t know what’s worse at times, whether it’s intentional or not, the way he at least appears to go out of his way to offend or gross me out, his memory issues, or his stupidity. If he truly is suffering from memory loss lately, that can make him appear dumber than he actually is. I’ve thought of suggesting that he ask his doctor about it, but I figure he’ll just get offended as if I were attacking him and then counterattack by throwing my sleep disorder in my face or something.

Although it’s conceivable that he could be playing with me with the memory thing, since I know that if he can play with me on other things he could with this too, but at this point I think his memory issues are very real. I just don’t know what’s causing it. My guess is all the years of being a pothead. It really does fry the brain.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014 Dear Levothyroxine: Thanks for making me feel better. I am no longer dizzy. I am no longer moody or anxious for no apparent reason whatsoever. I don't go from hot to cold as much. I'm not skinny but I have a nice hourglass shape and can now eat what I want without gaining weight so long as I run or ride my bike a few miles a day. My voice is no longer hoarse at times and the burning sensation is gone too. Now will you PLEASE STOP KNOCKING THE HAIR OUT OF MY FREAKIN HEAD?!

The more I get back to my old self and think about Doc Sexy, the more pissed off I get. I know she told me my ingrown toenail might grow back, but had she done it right the first time around, we wouldn’t have wasted hundreds of dollars for nothing.

Secondly, and as Tom pointed out months ago, I didn’t need a shrink (which I did not see), I needed a dose of medication that wasn’t too high for me. Giving me a low dose of lorazepam at the time was fine and even the counselor referral was ok too, but a shrink that can give me medication just so I can take a dose of another medication that’s too high for me? That’s just ridiculous! To think that she and two other so-called pros told me to keep on taking 75mcg when it was making me feel like utter shit really pisses me off.

She was good for the biopsy I had done and she was good for the rash I had as well, so I can’t go so far as to say she was a bad doctor. She was great in many ways, but definitely wrong for me as a whole. Maybe if I’d had the problems I had years ago with asthma and allergies she would’ve been just fine, but with my current situation I definitely did right by giving her up and I definitely did right by dropping Dr. D and Sutter altogether.

I also withdrew the friend request I had sent her, but I honestly doubt she even got it, or the message I sent her, knowing how glitchy Facebook can be. The message I sent never came up as being seen. Why would she read it and then mark it as unread? Most likely because she didn’t get it or the friend request, but it doesn’t matter. Hottie or not, I don’t care to be friends with her at this point, though I do wish her the best of luck in life.

The wind is whipping and I forgot to write down my dreams as soon as I got up, so I wouldn’t forget them. Damn!

We’re supposed to get 5” of rain today! That’ll keep things quiet around here as it should be for being a retirement community. All I hear is the wind and wind chimes right now.

SMUD arrived at 8:30 yesterday morning, but didn’t turn off the power till around 9:15. They replaced the transformer diagonally from us that serves something like 9 houses. Didn’t realize our electricity ran underground, but it does. For someone who’s normally observant, it’s strange that I never realized till yesterday that there are no utility poles or power lines running from house to house.

After they lifted the transformer off the truck with a crane and put it in place, the power came back on about 20 minutes later. In the meantime, I texted Tom, Andy, Tammy and Aly. That Google speech-to-text thing can get addicting! It’s fun to use, though not always accurate.

Tom read an interesting article about rats. Unlike dogs and cats, which have been pets for thousands of years (well, dogs aren’t usually pets in the West), rats have only been pets for about 100 years. Rat catchers used to gather rats from people’s homes in the early 1900s, throw them in a pen with a dog, and then people would bet on how fast it would take the dog to kill all the rats. Disgusting and cruel!

I also learned that more of the rats have names besides the hooded ones. Cream-colored rats with a spec of brown on the nose like my Sugar ratty are Himalayan rats. Dark brown rats with white paws and bellies like Romeo was are Berkshire rats. If they have colored heads with stripes running down the back like Hoodie, they’re Hooded. If they only have colored heads, they’re Capped.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2014 After growing horribly weak and thin, especially over the last few days, Romeo finally died yesterday morning shortly after Tom left for work. I was surprised he hung on as long as he did, though I thought he’d make it another day or two. He now rests under the cypress trees.

I’m surprised Sugar outlived him after having a stroke last May, but he’s only a month or two younger, so I don’t expect him to make it to the spring.

Young Hoodie is getting to be a real attention whore, haha.

Still torn about getting a kitten. They’d be less work and I like the idea of having a pet that lives more than just 2-3 years. They don't catch on as fast as rats even though they can learn some things. One thing Tom recently read is that they have an inability to think things through and will do things like climb to high places without making sure they can get back down first. A rat, however, is intelligent enough to think before climbing, and they will. I also don't know where I'd move some of these breakables to, so we'll see.

Completed Dutch Basics 1, Basics 2, and Phrases, and now it’s on to Food and then Plurals.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014 I rejoined Tumbler a couple of days ago and couldn’t think of a creative username at the time, so I grabbed one of their suggestions – ButteryHappyLand. Tom got a kick out of it. I’m backing up entries by the month there. Meaning that a whole month’s worth will go in one long post. The posts will be separated by giant HD photos for those with large screens to enjoy. I’ve got the late 80s and most of the 90s posted.

It just really annoys me when people follow me there or on sites like Twitter for all the wrong reasons. Meaning that they want me to buy something from them. They don’t have a genuine interest in my blogs/tweets.

Tom and I are going to ride the perimeters really early this morning. Really hope my little heart can handle the hills! It should be ok with the gear wheel. I’m so glad he likes working out with me because I’m definitely not ready to go out there alone.

Last night I dreamed I was lost in a huge building and asked a stout black lady for directions to get somewhere. She told me to take the elevator up a few floors and exit the back door. I guess the elevator had two doors and the place I was looking for was on a back floor.

In another dream, I was at the home of my maternal grandparents. For some reason, I was terrified of Pa and believed that Nana was, too. I ran down the hallway and into a bedroom where I called the police on my cell.

They asked me for the number of the house, but I couldn’t think of it. Finally, I just said, “Look for Berkeley Dr. I grew up there and my grandparents are in the house to the left.”

It seemed like I was on the phone with them forever and I finally said, “Why hasn’t anyone shown up yet?”

Just when I thought they’d hung up on me or the connection had dropped, the dispatcher said, “Some would say you’re the problem.”

“What?!” I said with confusion and frustration. Not knowing what they were implying or wanting to deal with people who obviously weren’t willing to help me, I ran out into the living room to see if Nana was ok. She appeared to be asleep on the couch while Pa sat in a chair nearby. Although his eyes were open and glued to the TV, I thought he was asleep.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2014 Although these rats have fooled me before and have defied death, I'd say Romeo's days are definitely numbered. He's anorexic, can barely move, and is old as hell in ratty years.

Andy thanked me for not dumping him after he visited (I don’t know why he thought I would do that at such a time).

After the guilt bit me on the ass after "frivolously" dumping people years ago simply because I needed to "clear my head" or "find my way" or because I "didn't need" a particular person in my life, I vowed to be a better, more devoted friend. I may get annoyed with some people at times just as they do with me, but from here on out, in order to qualify for a Jodi dumping, you must have the following traits:

The inability to accept me as I am without trying to control, change or judge me (though this doesn't mean you can't kindly tell me the color yellow looks shitty on me).

The ability to lie to me.

The willingness to use and abuse me at will to suit your own personal pleasures.

An obvious lack of compassion and empathy should I become ill, poor, pissed, mad, sad or fearful of something be it a pack of angry wolves or the paperclip in my desk drawer.

If you do not have any of these traits then you do not qualify for me to stick my finger down my throat and purge you out of my life.

So that’s basically it! I mean there are a few other things that could drive me away – making false accusations against me, becoming overly clingy/demanding, having major trust issues, which basically means you wouldn’t believe a damn thing I (or anyone else) said, or acting extremely moody/contradictory. It has always annoyed the hell out of me when people feel one way one minute, then another the next, on a constant basis, or when they can’t follow through with their word. Excessive repetitiveness gets to me at times too, when all people want to do is discuss the same damn few subjects all the time, most of which I know nothing about and probably don’t want to. It’s highly unlikely I’d let someone go for being repetitive, though. We all get hung up on certain things at times. Oh, and I could definitely do without stupidity and immaturity at times, too.

Dreams: I had a pet snake that crawled under a friend’s chair which I pulled out. The friend ran scared anyway. I also had a puppy or a small dog and was watching a reality show where a woman met some people she’d known in her abusive childhood, and was saying she had forgiven one woman who was particularly nasty to her in school.

In the last dream, I hadn’t seen Tom for 9 years, though I have no idea why. I asked him what his best and worst experiences were during those years. He said his best was a computer program he wrote, and his worst was a foot injury.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2014 The Internet has become just as annoying as it is fun and useful. Everywhere I go I see nothing but links and comments about race, race, race! Nothing but race! Everything’s about race these days. Funny too, since true racism – true honest-to-God racism – is relatively rare these days, and the vast majority of racism claims are either fabricated or twisted in some way to be a lot more than it actually is. But why oh why are people – both blacks and whites alike – so damn blind to see this??? Perhaps they just don’t want to. Nothing’s changed for me, though, and I make ZERO apologies for my feelings either. Act like thugs and I’m going to see you as thugs. Keep on being responsible for over 80% of the crime in this country and crying racism when you don’t get your way and I’m not going to have an ounce of respect for you.

Apparently, England doesn’t have the double standards America has with allowing blacks to shit on whites while crucifying whites for shitting on them (or who they imagine are shitting on them). I don’t know the details, but it has to do with something about a black athlete being charged with a racist Instagram message. It’s nice to see that it’s not ok for blacks to do what they accuse us of doing there, but damn has political correctness gotten way out of hand! Black or white, no one should be charged for something they say or write. What they do, maybe, but for words alone? If you threaten a minor, perhaps, but because you spoke your mind in a place no one was forced to listen/read?

I’ve joined in Andy's canning excursion only we’re not going to go out driving to collect cans. Instead, we’re going to stop throwing ours in our recycling bin. I was bitching to Tom the other day that I wasn’t making as much as I’d like lately on the Turk. The Turk fluctuates, and the more you do the less you qualify for since they don’t want the same people doing the same tasks. I told Tom months ago that while I appreciate his offer to buy me whatever I want, I like to work too (other than keeping house) and don’t mind working for Amazon goodies and other fun things that aren’t necessities. So while I won’t quit the Turk completely, I will now also be saving and bagging cans and bottles instead of throwing them in our recycling bin. We were doing that just because it was convenient to do so and didn’t need the extra money. But we have plenty of room in this place to store the extra bags, so why not? Most of the things I like lately are under $50, so why not have the cans and bottles pay for them?

I have felt sooo much better since going back on the meds. Never thought I’d say that, but as long as I’m not on a dosage too high for my body to handle, I definitely feel a lot less dizzy. Even my throat and anxiety are better and I’m not going from hot to cold as much. Funny how in the last couple of weeks I’ve felt the best I’ve felt in months after this very medication caused me a shitload of problems, and then even more problems after I stopped taking it. I haven’t even thought of chill pills lately. I still have plenty on hand as I’m not about to let myself suffer if I need them, but anxiety’s been the last thing on my mind lately and I hope it stays that way for a good long time! TFG what happened a few months ago didn’t happen while we were in Hawaii. What a disaster that would’ve been!

Got my new HP 10” Pavilion laptop/tablet and it’s going to take some serious getting used to. It’s got Windows 8, so the first thing we did was beef up the security as best we possibly could. I’m no longer used to Windows, and less safe or not, it’s going to take some learning since it’s changed so much when I was last using XP and Vista. Vista was horrible, but I did like XP despite the crashing and viruses. I just hope I don’t get any viruses! This thing isn’t going to replace my big Mac but just be something I use in addition or when I’m not home. If there are any issues with it, I’ll just spend the grand or so it’ll cost to buy myself some safety and get something similar in a Mac. We didn’t pay much for this thing. It was something like $230 and $144 of it was paid for with our Walmart savings. No one wants to believe it unless they’ve had Macs for as long as we have, but Macs really are that much safer. It has to do with the way they’re built and how easy it is for people to get at your stuff. If outsiders can get in and access things, so can the viruses.

Tom is coming up with better story ideas than I am lately. I have a rainbow-covered paper journal which I bought to take to Hawaii with me. Besides using it for the trip (and any future trips) I write quick one-page updates each month. The idea is to contribute to the little library the previous owners left here when we either move or die. That way if the next people want to, they can read about our lives here.

“Should I mention that Andy said he sensed Gene?” I asked Tom. That’s when he said it’d make for a good story if someone moved into a house to find a book all about these supposed hauntings. They don’t believe it at first until they experience it firsthand, and of course no one else believes them at first either.

The electric company is going to shut our electricity off for an hour Wednesday morning, which probably means 3 hours, and I thank fucking God I’ll be up at that time. I’d have been pissed as hell if I were to be sleeping. They’re probably going to replace a transformer or something.

Dreams: First one I remember dealt with an old neighbor of mine named Jimmy. He lived below me in the late 80s back in MA. I was visiting him or something and he had an arm in a cast after a severe shoulder injury. The apartment I lived in on the 4th floor above him was also Andy's condo in part of that dream.

A fleeting glimpse of a huge, old, ugly stainless steel microwave, and then Tom pulling me down next to him on a loveseat by a set of stairs while someone knocked on the door… and then a dream that took place here.

I was home alone and in the living room. The dining room window was further toward the right than it actually is. I saw two dark-haired guys in their 30s or 40s with white dress shirts and dark pants walk by. I knew they were heading for the back door. Not wanting to be bothered, I dropped to the floor thinking I could at least observe them without them seeing that someone was actually home.

Next thing I know they’re trying to pry the door open. The idea was to scramble to my feet and defend my home. I didn’t like that there were two of them, but doing absolutely nothing at all was no alternative. However, I couldn’t seem to push myself up off the floor. It was as if I suddenly weighed hundreds of pounds. When I finally did get up, I kicked the door shut just as it opened, but there was no one there. Thinking they’d slipped into the house somehow without me seeing them, I ran through the place in search of them, but I was alone.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2014 Been getting views from Davis, not too far from here. It’s a college town. One of the hits from there said it came from the office of the president. Being a college, it definitely can’t be anyone I know.

Looks like I tweeted about last night but didn’t blog about it. Well, we went to Denny’s and Walgreens. I was surprised at just how many people were out and about so late on a Thursday night. Dinner was delicious, though I’d have preferred not to eat it to the tune of 60-year-old Christmas songs blasting away. I was eventually glad for the racket since it did drown out those disgusting eating sounds Tom loves to make. Still, not everybody likes the same music and they shouldn’t force it on customers, even if no one’s forced to eat there.

My steak was a bit tough but good. With it, I had French fries, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Tom got a cheeseburger and fries.

At Walgreens, we both got some candy, and I got a set of 18 tiny bottles of nail polish, 5 of which are glitter topcoats, for just $10! I’d much rather have more small bottles in a variety of colors than fewer big bottles.

Still doing my Dutch lessons. It’s way more similar to German than it is to English, but not quite as difficult because you don’t have umlauts.

I moved the rats back into the bigger cage, but not the skinny-barred cage. I put them in the ferret cage. This way they can have more room and I don’t have to change it every few days.

Speaking of the rats, I had a dream one of them was in a suitcase I had taken somewhere. Not that I would pack my rats in a suitcase, of course, haha, but in the dream the airline lost the suitcase and I was frantically trying to get help with getting a hold of it because I believed the rat would be dead in a day or two.

In another dream, I was either staying or living somewhere where the weather was very summery. I stepped out of what I guess was a house and toward the road. To my right, the street ended a few houses down and I could see kids playing in that direction. To my left was a pool and straight ahead was the ocean. I seemed to be contemplating which one to take a dip in.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2014 Although it puts me at risk of being stalked (since you just never know how people are going to react when you go off on them) I let one of my Prosebox followers in Michigan have it for bitching about me in one of her posts when her frustrations should've been voiced directly to me. It's ok to bitch in your blog about people. We all do it here and there. That’s what a journal is for; to write about the people, places and experiences of our lives. But still… she could have and should have come to me as well instead of being so damn rude, childish and immature about a lousy privacy error before she either hid or removed the entry! Did I go to HER? You bet. I'm not afraid to confront the source, and that’s just what I did.

Meanwhile, I apologized to those who were put out by my accidentally flooding bookmarks, and who handled it like adults without acting like it was done deliberately or like I did something a helluva lot more annoying than just flood bookmarks.

I thought about blocking her, but I usually only resort to blocking when I’m being trolled or spammed. So since I have nothing to hide, blocking isn’t necessary and hopefully, it won’t be in the future either, but that’s up to them. I know that like me, they have no children and they don’t work outside of home, so they have enough time on their hands to become a nuisance if they really want to at which time I will deal with them accordingly. I don’t expect them to make trouble for me, thus for themselves as well, but that’s what I thought about a couple of others who did just that for years. So… we’ll see.

When I’m not accidentally uploading a bunch of drafts to a private book that I accidentally set as public, I usually make an average of 1-3 posts a day. If that’s too much for you, I told them, feel free to unfollow me. :) After all – and I mean no offense whatsoever to those I’ve met there who have been super kind to me – I didn’t go there to make friends. I use the site as a means of storing backups of my writings. Friends that come of it are just a byproduct of this action. :)

I haven’t heard from Nane, and don’t care if I do or I don’t hear from her. I hope she won’t take that the wrong way if she reads my blog, but I’ve become rather indifferent as far as she’s concerned. Whatever happens, happens. I still feel she is a wee bit too hypocritical and judgmental for my tastes and I respect myself enough not to put up with that sort of thing. It wasn’t the first time I’d had this problem with her. Once or twice I will point it out to a person, let them know I don’t appreciate being treated that way, and then if they still can’t accept me as I am, I cut ties with them and move on.

It’s ok not to like fish like I do, but must I be bashed and insulted for my own tastes? Also, making fun of someone for their fears or problems isn’t the way to help them deal with it. While we had a lot of good chats and she’s a very interesting and intelligent lady, she also showed me a side of her that can be very insensitive and lacking in compassion. There are 7 billion people in the world. No need for me to put up with those who have to judge and criticize half the things I say and do, nor is there any need to put up with others who don’t meet our expectations when we can just move on without bothering to try to change them. Like trying to get a mystery lover into romance novels when there are enough mystery lovers in the world!

So… yes, I will talk to her if she can contact me while letting me be who I am, and yes, I will be ok with it should she choose never to contact me again.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2014 Slept late for my 49th birthday today and am glad I did. That way we can go to Denny’s for steak and eggs late enough for the brats to be tucked in for the night, but a little too early for the drunks.

I finished my Dreams book and will have a lot of editing to catch up on throughout the night, plus I try to take a Dutch lesson each day.

Tom and I worked out together. I’m so glad he found a form of exercise he really enjoys, but damn do I miss riding the bike around the park! It’s been too cold, too wet, or just not a good time for that lately, and of course I can’t work out alone for fear of any heart explosions. It will be a while before I feel comfortable doing that, depending on how long I can go without it beating really fast and hard.

I was surprised, delighted, and frustrated over the fact that someone on my first Ask account bought me a little birthday gift. :) The frustrating part was that they chose to do it anonymously, so I am not only racking my brains trying to guess who it could be, but I am unable to thank them. I would guess, however, that if they cared enough to buy me the gift, then they must know me well enough that they might read this. If they do… thanks whoever you are!

Later…

Spent most of my birthday sleeping, relaxing, reading, writing, eating and working out. Life is good, even though I'd skip to age 50 if I could. The number 4 is a very unlucky number, and I certainly wouldn't want to get any younger with a husband 8.5 years older.

Andy had me cracking up the other day. Right before he left I asked him for a piece of gum. He said he hated to say no to me, but was low and the gum was like his cigarettes. I told him no problem. Yesterday, though, he said he regretted saying no after all we’d spent on him. We didn’t spend that much, but I get where he’s coming from, even though I really shouldn’t be having gum with my sensitive teeth anyway. Where it really got funny was when he said, “On the train, I wouldn’t let myself have that piece as punishment since Gloria’s pool wasn’t available.”

Back in my 20s when I was into celebrities like most young people tend to be, I had a huge crush on Gloria Estefan. In cold, snowy, boring, old, ugly Springfield, Massachusetts where I lived at the time, I would often imagine to him what it would be like to visit her lush mansion in sunny, warm Florida. Andy would joke about me being her servant and how she could make me swim laps in her glorious pool to punish me whenever I’d step out of line, haha. So that’s where Gloria’s pool came from. :)

In last night’s dreams, I was at a restaurant with a few people. I don’t know who they were, but we were getting pissed that the waiter left our tray of food just sitting on the counter. I got up to let him have it just as he finally brought the tray to our table. Then a baby started screaming nearby and the mother smacked it. Literally. Only each time she smacked it, it would start screaming in a different language.

Then I had a dream I saw Teri, a Facebook friend, only Teri wasn’t Teri in the dream. She had some weird name instead, but I don’t remember what it was.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2014 I’m so wowed by all this rain! I slept most of the day and had I gotten up to find Romeo gone after the dream I had, I just might wonder if there really could be an afterlife after all.

Tom’s looking forward to once again having 4 days off. Not sure how much fun we can have together, though, LOL. We’re kind of on opposite schedules right now, but he can adapt a lot easier than I can, so we’ll see.

His BP medication makes him cough, even though it’s a low dose. I told him that if they raised the dose he’d sound like a smoker and he said that if he keeps working out consistently he shouldn’t need them much longer. That’d be great. I’m all for choosing the natural way over drugs anytime that’s possible. If giving up eggs meant never needing statins again, so be it, but my cholesterol isn’t high because of what I eat. It’s high because of hypothyroidism. No wonder my old doc didn’t take the time to stress low-cholesterol menus with me until I came to learn and understand more about this shit.

Romeo can be affectionate, but for the most part, he’s not nearly as friendly and as into cuddling as Sugar is. In the dream, though, I opened the cage door and sat down on the floor a few feet in front of it with a piece of bread in my hand. One of the rats climbed up to the top of the cage, but Romeo hobbled out and headed toward me. Instead of taking the food, all he wanted to do was cuddle. It was like he was saying goodbye or something, but he was still alive even though he was withering away to nothing really fast.

Yesterday I dreamed they were collecting the trash. Only instead of the big garbage truck, the park was collecting it on these little trailers. Realizing I was late to put ours out, I started running up the hill with this big old garbage bin in tow. Someone on a trailer saw me and drove down to fetch both the trash and me. The male driver turned into a female driver who kept telling me that in order to climb up onto the trailer bed I had to first step up onto a white sneaker that was lying on its side.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2014 Another rainy, quiet day, though I saw a service truck of some kind parked in front of next door and thought I heard scattered hammering earlier.

Gonna work out with Tom when he gets in. He does the Wii and I do the treadmill. Indoor working out is so boring compared to outdoor working out, but this isn’t the ideal weather for going outside.

Been less dizzy the last couple of days and I’m so glad about that! Those dizzy spells were really getting old. Hopefully, the meds will keep on helping without the anxiety and upset stomach.

Tonight I’ll be reorganizing my “Dreams” book. I want to organize them by dates. Thought of rejoining Tumblr for the hell of it, but I don’t know if I will or not.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2014 The test results are in and my cholesterol is off the charts at “cardiac risk,” and my TSH is 32.24. This means (for any newcomers tuning in) that my thyroid is severely underactive. It’s not totally dead but it’s close enough. No wonder I’ve been back to gaining half a pound a day despite working out and watching what I eat. Still not watching how much I eat, though, and that’s super important as I said in my last entry. That will have to be part of my New Year’s resolution, I guess.

These numbers are pretty much where I was when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I just worry and wonder how they’re going to get me normal without it damn near killing me like last time. Levothyroxine and anxiety/tachycardia don’t seem to mix well. My resting pulse is naturally high when off medication, so to be given a medication that speeds that up is kinda scary. It’s a little racy right now, but that’s mostly because I’m alone and because of the results. Not a good time to work out!

I had thought eating foods low in cholesterol would help, but as one of my PB buddies pointed out, the cholesterol that rises when you have hypothyroidism is what your body produces and not dietary. It’s mostly my triglycerides that are high.

They called Tom’s phone and he explained to them that I only started the meds on the 27th when he could be home with me a little more, and so I will have to return to the vampire after January 15th. Then he was given a number to give to me for an endocrinologist. I requested Dr. O, as was recommended to me, and will see her on January 19th.

I'm just glad they didn't hit me with some new disease showing up in my blood like diabetes or something. I know skinny people can get that, but I think that's mostly an obese thing and I'm not only just a little overweight (per ex-sexy doc's words), I'm also pretty active. Well, when my heart will let me be without making me feel like it's going to jump outa my chest.

Because I only just started the 25 mcg on the 27th, I have to go in for more blood work after Jan. 15th. Since the 50's dropped me to 12, I'm guessing the 25's will drop me to 22-23.

I figured I was due for some noise from next door. Was it the saw? Nope. The hammer? Nope. It was just their latest home improvement project; new windows. Tree-cutting, new ovens, carpet cleaning, new windows… what’s next? I’m just glad I slept in today cuz the window upgrading probably began fairly early.

In the first of this month’s dreams, I was living or working at someplace with several other people. One person had on this really nice perfume and I said something like, “Someone smells sexy today.”

Some people, including myself, were going to the store and someone asked those who weren’t going if they needed anything. A woman who might’ve been Nancy from Phoenix said she wanted to get some kind of sleeping pill that had a long and funny name. When I was at the store I was looking for it to try for myself, but all I could find were rows and rows of candy bars with some bananas sort of hidden behind them.

[farer-dreamer]

Entry 4

Game Mechanics and Levels (Take 2)

9/16/24 - One! More!! Time!!!

So! After doing my informal project proposal and getting feedback, I've decided to rework what I had going from the last entry on this topic. Most of this week has been spent refining my to-do list/production schedule for each of the levels as well as preparing my actual pitch to the class on the 25th. A lot of this is gonna be repeated from the last entry, just better refined (though I did trash some things for now. whoops).

General Gameplay Mechanics

Basic 3D environment movement, jumping, and a dash.

Player HP - Three hit system, HP will recover when the player successfully completes a level

The camera will be 3rd person, controlled by mouse movement.

Camera will remain static unless moved via left click + mouse

The basic gameplay loop is as follows:

Player starts out on the subway

The subway stops, player exits

Player enters a random level, subway leaves

Player explores the level and finds the subway car door once again

Player enters the subway, loop

Levels

Level Hub - Subway Car

Not a full-on explorable level but more of a load screen in-between the levels

Player fully heals when they re-enter the subway

During these intermissions, theres a chance that Doc can meet other subway passengers and have a convo with them.

Passengers appear at random, however some of them will only board after the player completes certain conditions.

Exploration Level 1 - Half Floor

Level based on the weird floor that was in between the 14th and 15th floor of my old school (dubbed the 14th 1/2)

There's an NPC on this floor, Sloppy Joe, you can chat with him and after completing his quest on this floor there's a chance he can appear in the subway.

Level objective is as follows

Talk to Sloppy Joe

He'll ask you to find an item hidden somewhere on this floor. Somewhere in the vents.

Enter the vent maze, find the item, give it to Sloppy Joe

Objective Complete, re-enter subway car from level entrance

The subway does not leave when the player enters this level, so they could just re-enter if they don't feel like doing it (but why would you wanna do that when you can meet sloppy joe lets be real here)

Exploration Level 2 - The Gallery

A level that's purely exploration based, it's an art museum. You look at art and explore. Yippee!

The subway does not leave so you can exit the level whenever, there's no death-state unless you manage to clip out of bounds or something (now why would you do that, that's mean)

The player can walk around the museum and look at the art placed there

Maybe the player can interact to view the art in better quality? or rotate it if its a 3D model? still figuring that out.

There's one NPC on this floor the player can talk to, a character to represent myself and talk about my work with the player.

Honestly I also personally enjoy looking through virtual galleries in games.

Minigame 1 - Chase

A small platforming segment where the player has to escape a monster that's constantly chasing them. Vanishes when the player reaches the safe zone at the end of the level (which is also where the subway is!)

Still trying to think of what I want the environment to look like for this one but…

Takes place in sort of a void, so the player has to avoid falling off the platforms

Platforms themselves are mostly going to be static, though I think it'd be evil fun to maybe play around and add some physics based stuff or falling/disappearing platforms perhaps………

Minigame 2 - Press 'N Hold!

A minigame level where the player enters a circular arena and is tasked with needing to hold down a button for 30 seconds total while avoiding getting hit by canon balls (being shot from the walls of the arena).

I want to theme this after a character of mine, Offiz, who is a clown that like to travel on/occasionally attack with smiley-faced bouncy balls. Last semester I made this mini undertale-like "boss fight" game against them and one of their attacks was a canon that shot these at the player.

I imagine the button would be in the center of a circular circus tent, canons on the wall that shoot bouncy balls at random

I'm toying with the idea of this level being timed or not, I think I'll get a better idea once I get into it and can actually get a feel for the gameplay, but I definitely think it would add to the already frantic nature of this level. My professor also had a really good idea that when you step off the button the progress bar slowly drains, pushing the player to get back on the button asap. Again I'll need to play with these things because the last thing I'd want to do is make this level annoying to play or, on the other hand, stupidly long if there's not much consequence to not being on the button aside from the meter not filling (though maybe that is enough?)

Anyways with these… mostly, better refined level ideas and such I have a better idea as to how I'm going to be tackling these production schedule-wise. The Gallery and Press 'N Hold will be the levels I work on during the fall semester and The Half Floor and Chase will be done in the spring. Work on the subway car intermissions will also be started in the fall but I'm mainly focused on the playable levels. So with that I'm going to continue working on my class pitch presentation for the 25th and get greyboxing/concepting.

[rageofdyinglight]

All of my thoughts and reactions (that i remeber) to tma season 1 + the first 7 episodes of s2 because i didn’t get the chance to really live react

…

- heavily attached to jon but i can’t tell if i want him or want him to be my father

- actually had to skip most of ep 6 because it grossed me out too bad

- there’s so much reliance on remembering stuff from earlier episodes BUT IM STUPUD

- live laugh love gerard keay stupid emo ass

- dreamer is BY FAR my favorite episode it’s SO COOL the idea of the husks of almost dead people in the not quite right city, it’s actually really funny because i have a ttrpg character i’m playing right now that has a very very similar concept, down to the death omens, black tendrils, and even the pulsing red light leading to somewhere

- i tend to spoil myself for the sake of i want to know more about hyperfixation but can’t consume content fast enough to satiate so i’ve been looking into the entities and it’s fun to try to piece together which entity the ep is based around (bc i think that’s how it works)

- how did jon not realize the construction guy that pulled the tree up in ep 8(i think) is the same guy the priest saw pull up a tree in ep 19/20 what is he stupid even i figured that one out

- i’m having a terrible time here for someone who doesn’t really like body horror

- killing floor made me want to throw up easily most uncomfortable listen for me

- ep 31 is just a dude from europe experiencing Average Appalachian Activities lmao

- i must have missed them talking about jane before because when it started coming up originally i was so confused about what was going on

- as soon as they mentioned the delivery guys (likely the ones from the 2nd ep with the coffin) bringing that table i KNEW someone was going to get yoinked and i was RIGHT

- why was gertrude kind of a badass

- live laugh love mike crew

- seriously i cant wait to find out more about what was chasing him (<- his ass LOVES lightning imagery)

- LIVE LAUGH LOVE MICAHEL DISTORITION

- the technical effects on its voice is SO cool oh my god just the subtle clips and echos that add into the inhuman-ness is GRGEGHRGRGGRGR i’m biting at my enclosure

- also off handedly i wonder if michael is somehow tied to the bone tuner thing? bc it mentioned that dude having the long fingers and distorted limbs or whatever idk

- looking forward to more tales from tim on joe spooky

…

AND THATS IT FOR NOW- loving the show so far i’m excited to watch it unfold

[the-dream-beyond]

Episode 21: Redefining Wealth: An Experientially Rich Life With Joe Huff

Nik Tarascio 

I was actually curious in the study. Was there anything that surprised you? Was there anything in there? They were like, I did not see that coming.

Joe Huff 

Yeah, the biggest one was how many people listed as their most important experience of their life, a negative experience.

Nik Tarascio 

Imagine this next breath that you're taking is your last breath. I think back to everything you've done in your life, think of all the things you wished you did. All the things you were really happy you did. And ask the question, why didn't you do more of the stuff that you wished you had? What were all the reasons that got in the way? I think this next speaker really touches on that as it's not too late. How do we cultivate that sense of urgency, and then go and make that life of our dreams. That's pretty much what the show is about. So I really hope you enjoy this next conversation. That may be the kick in the ass you need to just make make your life exactly what you want it to be. Add more of those incredible experiences that make it perfectly rich for you. Hope you enjoy.

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO, musician and overall seeker of Truth, inspiration, and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond, we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting and how to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Hey, guys, how's it going? I'm here with an old friend, who's an entrepreneur for more than three decades brings a wealth of experience as a founder and owner he's led multiple eight figure businesses and achieve successful exits. He's also the co author of the upcoming book experiential billionaire, build a life rich and experiences and die with no regrets. And in that book, he delves into the world of experiential living, which I'm really curious to learn more about. I've not touched her book yet. I figured I get it right from the source. And his quest for experiential richness has taken him across 50 plus countries, all 50 states and diverse cultures. And he gets to share this wisdom as a keynote speaker at major events worldwide. Please welcome Joe Huff, everybody. Thanks for being here, Joe.

Joe Huff 

Thanks for having me, Nik. And great to reconnect.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, man, I think where did we first connect? Was it WAS IT Summit? It was also in Sedona? Yeah, I

Joe Huff 

think it might have been Sedona first. I'm not actually sure which one happened first, but Sedona was definitely where the the deeper connection happened, for sure. So that's

Nik Tarascio 

right. That's right. Shout out to Andrea lake for that for bringing some really great people together. And it's super cool. It's like, you know, people come into your life, and then you don't know what happened for a bit. And then something awesome happens, and you just collide back into there. So thank you for allowing this collision today.

Joe Huff 

Yeah, you know, it's funny, we actually talked about that in the book about those types of, you know, the importance of those relationships, because it's really experiences create deep, meaningful relationships. And then those deep meaningful relationships, create more opportunities for experiences by you know, those people that you forge those bonds with, because like, even if it's a decade later, when you if you whether you bump into them or you see their name pop up on your phone, or they come up in conversation, you just get this feeling because you remember, like this moment that you shared together some really cool experience that like bonded you forever. That's really cool. Yeah. Yeah, no, on the other side to like, the whole, like, don't

Nik Tarascio 

be an asshole policy, it proves really true. And you're like, you never know, when you're gonna run into someone later in your life. You never know when they know someone and it just feels really good. Like you said, you just see something you're like, I don't even know what we spoke about 10 years ago, exactly. But I know that I feel really good around you. And I'm lit up when I see you. So really love that. And I'd love to start at a place that is kind of my favorite opening question is when you were little What did you dream you'd be when, when you grew up? What was the thing that that you were really excited about?

Joe Huff 

Oh, definitely. By, like, the adolescent years, definitely rock star. It was definitely music was a big part of my life. And I definitely thought, you know, wow, what an incredible opportunity to to be able to be like a worldwide global type of rock star. They seem to have a pretty good life. Of course, like the the lifespan wasn't so great for a lot of investors. It seemed like a pretty fun ride while I was there. So you know, it's funny, we talk about this stuff in again, like that's, that's something that I think people should spend more time thinking about. I love that question that you asked that right now. Because as we get older, we suppress all that stuff, right? We just decide that, you know, those were dreams when we were kids. And we put it aside and we said maybe someday and even like I see all like big guitars on the wall behind you.

They're people that were musicians and like, oh, I want to play in the band. And I'll do that someday. And then that someday just goes into the someday. Outlander This is a great abyss, you know, we call it someday syndrome, and then it just doesn't happen. But there's really not a great reason for it not happening. You don't have to become like the rock star, right. But you can follow that dream and get quite a lot of joy out of just, you know whether you get up on stage in front of your friends, or whether it's at a cafe or something. So. So I think that the big part of what we preach is that finding your dreams is part of it, but also rediscovering the dreams you had that you forgot about is a really huge part of it.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, and I do think I remember that probably 10 years ago, we connected on that, because that was my dream, too. I was like, I want to be a rock star. It's interesting, I still desire much of that aspect of the dream. But not the same reason why underneath I think, like when I first wanted it as a teenager, I wanted to be worthy of love. And I was like, if a million people love me, maybe then I'll know that I'm worthy of it. I just want to have that, you know, that kind of experience. But now it's more like How cool would it be to impact a million people with your words? Right, which you get to do on stage as well. I imagine that in many ways, the things you do now, are still related to some aspects of that dream. And I'd love to hear that. Like how, how has that informed your journey? How has that ended up with even where you are now?

Joe Huff 

Oh, man, that's that's the whole thing. That's really, and it's, again, really insightful way to put it. You know, when you're when you're young, you know, you're thinking about impressing other people, because you want to make friends you want to find your significant other, there's a lot of reasons that you feel like that. But as you get older, and you start to realize that the real truth is you get so much joy out of making the world better and making people's lives better connecting with with people in a way that's meaningful to them. And it's the, you know, like the idea, music, right? That's a great example, again, because so many people get a feeling from it, you know, it's such a, it's a great positive feeling.

I think I think it's a Rick Rubin quote that says something like, the goal isn't to create, you know, perfect art, the goal is to basically create something that people knew existed but couldn't touch or couldn't feel or didn't know how to attend to connect with that. And then you just show them that. And that's really what I feel like we're doing where, you know, when you tell people that your experiences are the greatest thing in your lives, and the most important thing and the most valuable thing in your lives. Everybody knows it. It's like, if you asked everybody that, especially as they get older, they will Oh, yeah. But at the same time, that's a harder one act. It's like we have this glitch, you know, in our in our system, but it's those connections, those proof points where you actually do something and you affect somebody, and it starts to, you know, come back to you oh, wait a minute, you know, that's just they're still awake, that all that stuff for me, even now, it's funny with the journey of writing the book, which is like a really crazy, crazy, difficult journey. Little tiny things along the way. Were so impactful.

Like, for instance, like having a proofreader read, like the first draft, and then come back and say, you know, yeah, I made some edits. And here's some things I think that, you know, doesn't make sense grammatically. Also, by the way, this inspired me to move to California, like I always said I was going to do and I wound up living in Michigan for 10 years instead, because I got sidetracked. And your book just completely reminded me that I just suppressed my goals and forgot what I really wanted to do. And Baba, I've, we've heard this story like 100 times now just in the process, book writing process with the handful of folks that have like, read it. So that's been really cool. And then on the broader stage, like when you actually get out in front of a bunch of people. The overwhelming response is just wow, yeah, you know, everybody's like, it's this kind of like, tapping back into something that we all know deeply that we just suppress, because we get really busy with life. And it's very normal. So

Nik Tarascio 

you know, what, and what is that feeling from the stage for you, is like to be up there. Like when you're up there, when you're up there speaking to a bunch of people and sharing from your heart sharing your story. I'm wondering what that feels like for you and your body.

Joe Huff 

Yeah, you know, that's interesting that you say that. Also, it's a great question, because I used to actually have a lot of stage fright. I used to be, you know, afraid of public speaking like most people, it's called claustrophobia. It's like effects like it's like, considered to be I think the number one fear in modern societies, public speaking. And I reframed that because I really felt like this message was something I had to get out.

And as I started reframing that in my head of like, this is so important, and this is something I need to share. And I started really turning that kind of fear into this isn't your this is I'm excited to tell this story. It became way more personal and when I'm on stage, and I'm talking when I'm delivering this message. I definitely feel like I'm in my at a bar full of close friends, and I'm trying to just kind of share something that is really deeply meaningful to me. And that connects really well and makes me feel like I'm yeah, it just feels really good to know that I'm able to connect like that, because I do feel like, you know, the delivery system has the chance to, you know, we've all been preached at, we've all been told things, this position of like authority, and nobody wants that, you know, I definitely don't want to give people that. I try to actually, in general, when I'm on like a one on one kind of conversation, ask way more questions than tell that people kind of come to the answers on their own. But, but yeah, I feel like, I just feel like I'm in, I'm in a place that I'm meant to be in, and it just feels really, really good.

Nik Tarascio 

So kind of, I'm gonna stay with the music theme for a second, because I think we've kind of touched on something that has showed up in a lot of parts of my life. And probably for a lot of people that don't see themselves as creatives or artists, but realize their work. Their work is their art, right, whatever that thing is, it isn't just the medium of being a rock star. I think of your book, in many ways, like writing a perfect song, right?

Everyone's after, like, I just want to write the perfect song, I want to write the song that takes off on its own. It has a life of its own, it actually goes beyond me. I think Rick Rubin talks about that, too, of like, there's a certain point where you realize you were just the conduit, and it's the song belongs to everybody else. And what was the moment? What was the moment where you were like, wow, this is my song. Like, this is the song that I need to go put out there. I need to produce it, I need to get it all done and put it out into the world. And how did you know?

Joe Huff 

I mean, that's what's been the culmination of of a lot, I had been telling a lot of my close, close friends and my wife and people that I feel like right now. I am, everything I've gone through in my life has prepared me and, and guided me to this moment, I really feel like, that's where I'm at. And so I think I'm actually just coming to that moment you're talking about, I feel like this is my song. This is what it's meant to be. And I can kind of give you the backstory in a somewhat short version, and like to probably make a little more sense for the audience. But yeah, this whole life journey for me started, when I was really young, my parents met on an assembly line making brake pads in the Midwest.

So you know, my closest experience to a trust fund was trusting that my parents would fund the occasional trip to an ice cream truck. I was trying to figure out, you know, the whole rock star and Blackstone sounded pretty good, but it was pretty far fetched lifestyle for me. And I had a rough childhood in a lot of ways. I overcame some some things that were self inflicted, etc. And I made it somehow through high school and right as I was graduating high school, I came downstairs rip for my 18th birthday and, and my dad called my dad slumped over the kitchen table. And he was pails, you know, just white as a sheet and drenched in sweat. And, and we rushed into the hospital, he was 48 years old. And he had worked his whole life and had I'm sure this great grand plan for retirement. And it turned out that wasn't just a heart attack, we got to the hospital, and they said that his heart was failing, he had cardiomyopathy. And it was a really advanced stage. And it was standing right that not in the future at some distant point.

And they added him to the top of the transplant list and told us he Eberly low at survival. And, you know, we were like pacing this hospital, I'll show you and walk into another halls looking in these other rooms, seeing these other people in these situations. And it just, it just felt so wrong to feel like this is how people live, you know, they're postponing their goals in their life now for this future that just might not exist. And, you know, I kept thinking about other things my dad wanted to do so but had it and, and the more I just kept turning that over, I was just like, this is this is bullshit. This is all wrong, something's wrong with this plan.

But um, you know, that moment gave me this really great gift. It gave me this gift of urgency. And I basically my dad, by the way, it was very lucky. He was one of the lucky ones he got a transplant and wasted we got a second chance at life, which was also extremely, extremely impactful on my life watching that happen. But it made me aware that I might not have time for my dreams and my goals. So that sent me off on this just crazy urgent journey in life where I was determined to try to do stuff that you know, come hell or high water, I was gonna figure out ways to do things. I didn't have much money or, you know, resources. But I was like, I'm just gonna figure out what I could do.

And that led me on this. You know, I had a bunch of terrible jobs. They did a bunch of different things, but I met a lot of people got a lot of new experiences and it just kept building from those little steps again, actually led me to one of my friends started a small T Shirt Company that then somehow accidentally turned into a warehousing business that we somehow accidentally built into a pretty big warehousing business over a decade. And, you know, that was that was like, none of that would have happened had I not just been gifted this gift of like urgency, I would have probably just been sitting where I grew up in the same town doing the same thing. But because of that, I made all those changes.

And then something else happened with my dad, which was he actually got cancer, which happens from the type of drugs that you do you do from a immunotherapy. And I brought him home for hospice care. And I was able to watch the second end of life for him kind of, and that gave me this really great clarity of just like, what's going to matter? What are we thinking about for the end of our lives, and they began to get that gift at a young age, relatively speaking, that that just sent me off again, like another the urgency I had had kind of like, plateaued, and that just kicked it back into gear again.

And I, I had always thought, you know, I, I'd love to be a philanthropist and do something, you know, in a positive way to impact the world. But I'm not rich, I'm not Bill Gates, I don't have any money, your time. And then I thought that's all an excuse for a reason. And these are all the kinds of things we talk about in the book a lot is like, you know, how do we just overcome those, those excuses and those reasons? And yeah, so So what happened this I, I left the company and started doing a bunch of other stuff. And that, that led me to my business partner, Bridgette, who saw me doing charity work with other companies.

And we started, listen, and we started giving hearing aids to people around the world. And that turned into us traveling around the world for a decade and giving over 50,000 people hearing aids, which was like the most remarkable life changing experience ever. And then along that route along that road, people kept coming up to us. And this this actually ties right back to the actual concept of the book and how I found my saw, people kept coming up to us and going wow, you guys must be rich, you guys must be killing it. You know, you're traveling all over the world, we saw beats sold the app $3 billion, you guys are about to buy your own private jet or something. We're like, I'm actually we're pretty broke. We're what's on paper is not the same as what's in the bank account.

But we're having all these incredible experiences. So we like to consider ourselves experiential billionaires. So we would tell people that as a way to kind of laugh off the fact that we were giving all of our money to charity, and doing all this stuff. And, and then this was still a really great lifestyle for us, because we were, the fulfillment level was like, you know, we were at the brim. And then 2020 happens, you know, everything shuts down, we can't do the missions, we started the company to actually give hearing aids and came up with the speakers and headphones as a as a tool. So suddenly, we were just selling speakers and headphones, because there were no more mass, you know, we couldn't get together and give people hearing it.

And we we really actually just did a deep dive and asked our friends and our mentors and our network and said, What's the value that you see us giving to the world? And what could we do that would be the most impactful or positive thing. And everybody kept coming back into saying, your stories about how you've done all these things like that's, that's the message now you guys should really share that because it's really inspiring, because, you know, we, we came from like, unassuming beginnings, you know, a humble beginning to like turn somehow into like giving millions and millions of dollars away and traveling the world and checking off all these things in our lives, where we help other people check things up on their list kind of thing. And yeah, that was like, how it all kind of just coalesced into writing the book.

And And one last note on it, we started writing the book about just this, you know, the science and research behind how important it is to invest in, in experiences, because, you know, all the data shows that that is the number one regret people have. And then so we actually ran our own survey of over 20,000 people to see, you know, what are the number one regrets you have in your life? What are the things you most want to do? Still, why haven't you done them yet? You know, we started collecting all this data. And as we started writing the book, though, it turned more and more into our life stories with all of these, you know, messages in them and exercises and the research data points and all that. And it just became this like, really, you know, this is the most personal thing I've ever done by far. And it's like, you know, really, like, I guess that's when it became like, this is my song. This is what I'm, I'm standing firm on this is like this is this is what I believe and I hope I really truly believe this can transform people's lives that they if they follow this kind of path. So yeah,

Nik Tarascio 

well, congrats and thank you Let's, you answered a bunch of my questions, which was really going to be touching on, you know, the relationship to regret. And going into the study. I was actually curious in the study. Was there anything that surprised you? Was there anything that you were like, I did not see that coming?

Joe Huff 

Yeah, the biggest one was how many people listed as their most important experience of their life, a negative experience. So many people actually said, you know, this, this thing happened, you know, where, whether it was like a divorce or a loss. And even like, in my case, you know, that's an example where, you know, losing someone made somebody aware of something or they changed, or, you know, they got fired from a job, and then they actually wound up going into the thing they had wanted to do. And that was really interesting to see that it took some outside negative force.

And this is part of that, you know, the hero's journey, stuff that we all we all know, where it's like that everyday, ordinary person, some crazy obstacle happens, and they overcome it and become this better, bigger thing. And, you know, that was really, really powerful. The other thing I would say that was really surprising and alarming is, and this is something that I really think speaks to, you know, your audience. There's so many people that we just all fake, we have more time, right? So there's so many things on our list. And if we really hone down the list and like make that actual plan, you know, once we get the urgency, we got to visualize, there's so many things that are so achievable, that we just don't do, because we just assumed, like, so many people put things like, I regret never having taken my wife to go see where I grew up in the next state over, you know, and now she's gone, or I regret, you know, never taking learning Japanese because my parents spoke it.

And I always wanted to be able to learn more about our culture history, and I didn't, you know, things that were very, very achievable and doable in this day and age, especially with, you know, the access to some most of it wasn't expensive, there's a lot of things, obviously, people, some people put stuff like, I always wanted to go to, you know, Italy or something. But a lot of the stuff was very, very, very attainable. They just slipped by, because they just didn't get it on their calendar didn't make an effort to do it. So. So that's the kind of stuff that I think people can avoid, you know, with my daddy, I like to like, kind of phrase it like that. And with most people, we always hear the story right of somebody that has a near death experience, or loses someone close to them, and then they go out and run that marathon or climb that mountain or do that thing that they always wanted to do. The thing that's really crazy is like, you know, with my dad, for instance, like that the health situation wasn't avoidable, probably.

But the regret that he would have had had he passed that first time around was, you know, because he had just been putting off all those things. So we're trying to give people that urgency, without the near death experience.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I appreciate that. I really appreciate the what you said, you know, people find that the negative experience is often the blessing, right? It's often the thing that's like, let me kick my ass into gear. That was the meaningful turning books I know. Especially like New York, the Western world, a lot of our life is avoiding the negative, right? It's like, I don't want to face the shadow. I don't want to deal with the darkness. I want to press buttons and everything show up. So I never have to feel any form of discomfort. And it's interesting to see it's on some point it almost as if maybe the gift of health is sometimes look if you're not going to listen to all the signs that are telling you you're not on the right course. We'll just take it off from you. And some of us are lucky enough to catch it right before right catch right before and say I didn't have to lose everything to really get my life in I appreciate that story.

Joe Huff 

Yeah, I It's funny. In my talk, I always like to start off with I tell a story about how even when I was 27, I actually I had to file for bankruptcy. And I it was really, really difficult time in my life. It was this really terrible situation. But at the time, I had also decided I was going to do stand up comedy for the last few years I've been trying it off and I was actually younger. And instead of like dwelling on it actually it turned out to be a really great joke in my stand up comedy because when I went to file for bankruptcy, they told me that it costs $2,500 to file for bankruptcy. So I had to go around telling people I'd like to be bankrupt, but I just can't afford it. This just became like a It's all framing things. You may turn it into a joke and be canceled. If you don't laugh, you'll cry kind of thing. So yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

Beautiful. I'd love to go a little bit deeper into as you were speaking and touching on the urgency. And again, I think this I've had a similar experience of watching my grandmother die when I was really young and she spent a lot of time in a hospital really struggled with health issues. And it was my urgency in many ways watching that happen was I also had a lot of health issues when I was a teenager and again, these were the blessings of like everyone else's like we've got infinite time I was 17. And I'm like, I could die tomorrow. So, you know, that wasn't true, necessarily, but that's what it felt like. I'm curious, how do people balance? Or how do they know if they're running from death? Versus running towards life? Right? Because I think that that is one of the things that can happen when we experience death at an early age or lose someone that we really care about, or watch just the suffering of that.

Joe Huff 

Yeah, you know, there's, to me, I think the Western world in particular, you know, we're really good at avoiding the conversation of death. So if there's one, you know, for sure thing that we all know that everybody's gonna die. I think that if you dwell on it, and you know, it could become obviously a morbid and be create, like a fear induced reaction, which isn't really what I think is healthy at all, I think that it's contemplating its, you know, thinking of like, this is going to happen, and you know, we use the momentum warrior, you know, that has what's right in the card deck, it's in the book. But in America, right now, it's 76 is the average lifespan. It's actually 74 for men and 78. For for women.

So it's just a box set, it's a chart of 76 boxes, and you can just fill out how many you've lived so far by year and see how much time you have left on average. And that again, that's not to create, like fear, it's to create reality. So you can look at the math and go, Okay, I got, hopefully, if I'm average, or above average, I've got, you know, 20 boxes left, I said, I want to go to all the states or I want to visit these 12 places or whatever, like if I'm going to do one of those a year, I gotta start planning, you know, just gives you like, as a template map of like, okay, this is how much time because if you don't do that, you won't, but if you start looking at it, you know, from Oh, my God, I've got to do everything like next week, you could probably start making some on healthy habits. You don't want to like chase things down as though like we say, like you want to. It's kind of like the Gandhi approach of you know, you want to live as if you'll die tomorrow learn is that you'll live forever.

So you want to have long term goals, still you want it you couldn't plan a family or you know, a long term career, any of those things, if you actually act as though you're going to live tomorrow, you're going to be pretty self destructive, because you're not going to think that the repercussions are going to last. So it's really more of a contemplating it. So you can form a plan, there's, there's a lot of really great ways to like use that math, like, you know, if you think you're going to, versus if your parents are like in their 70s already, you know, maybe you know, they're doing well, maybe they're not maybe the last 20 years, and we'll have five but if you just use the average and you go, okay, they've got like, on average, four or five boxes left, and I see them once a year, that means I'm only going to see my parents five more times, well, maybe I should make some changes to my travel schedule and my plan, my kids, you know, with me, I've got two small kids, you know, one and a half and three and a half. And this time is flying by so if I want to take them to the amusement park or the zoo or on a road trip or camping or you know, you got to plan those things, because it's going to just slip right by all the sudden it's like, oh, I didn't ever take that road trip or did that one thing? And then you're gonna have that that's the kind of regret that's avoidable. But yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, that's a great perspective. Was that clear? Yeah, it doesn't, you know, I think the, the place that I go to with that is, starting with that reality seems like a really great way to see it. Right. It's like, I think that that Denial of Death would be someone that doesn't want to look at the fact that like, there is a chance that this as long as I'm gonna go on average, right? The or at least most of the people in my life, on average, that people my life, we're gonna probably go around that age. So I do really like that as an approach of start with the reality of what's there. And then the case that like, I'm sure you've spoken to so many people about this, I imagine. Have you spoken to people that couldn't face the reality that you've experienced them? Like, almost like, this is not something I want to think about?

Joe Huff 

Oh, gosh, I mean, I mean, and yeah, I would say the majority of people probably like they're very much like, I don't want to think about or talk about that. Because it's scary. You know, a lot of people look at it, like, it's scary. They don't they can't reframe it into, okay, you know, this is finite, but which is it's weird, right? Because it's, it's avoiding, it doesn't make it go away. Right. It's not like it's like sticking your head in the sand. Yeah, so, um, but there's definitely a lot of people that, that need that kind of push.

And that's why I think getting into again, the book I think does a really good job of like a building of showing people you know, how to start thinking like that, you know, we do a really cool exercise called the treasure map right in the beginning that you know, you actually you pretend that you got that call from your doctor that you only have 30 days left to live what are you gonna do? You know, then you're using that as kind of like, you know, there's a it's a longer exercise than that but using That kind of as a base, you know how many of those things are on your list now and why not, you know, and then we kind of build into that, like, here's all the things that other people said, you know, these things sound familiar.

And this is, if they probably do, and this is ways to start, like, removing those kind of regrets by doing those things, and putting those things on your calendar and taking steps to do them. And then, as you do that stuff, you start to see that fear of the specter of your mortality kind of go away, because suddenly your life feels full and purposeful. And I think the fear that people experience is the fear of getting to the end and not feeling like they had that life story. They want it you know, I'm gonna take that verse eulogy, where if you, if you picture your eulogy being said today, if something happened to you, today, would it be the eulogy that you want for your life? Would it be, you know, Nik, he did this and this and this and how he affected people.

And if it's not that now, you got to change it right? And you can, it's super easy to start taking the steps to just start working towards what you want that to be, I have a very, very powerful proof point of how, how well this works, unfortunately. So my wife and I, we met a decade ago, and my wife lives halfway around the world. And our relationship was founded in like us traveling to meet when we could and spending a lot of time all over. And we were really intentional about like, where we met and what we did. And her friends were all around the world and mine were around the world, we got married and Indonesia and Bali.

And you know, we we wound up doing all these really cool experiences together. And then we planned, we did the work, like I'm telling you in the book, you know, we figured out our treasure map what we want to do how we want to try to maximize our time here. And we finished the first draft of the book. And we literally read before the end of the second draft, my wife got diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. This is just a year ago. And she was It was literally like, the weekend of her 34th birthday. So it was a wild wild journey. And she did five months of chemotherapy and then a double mastectomy. And then she had radiation and a full year of immunotherapy.

And it works, the treatments worked. There was you know, obviously about eight months of of being unsure if that was going on what was happening was working or not, but but we're out we're just now on the other the other side of it, but the reason I share that story is first of all, my wife is just a badass, and she just handled this, like, you know, as a mother of two young kids, it's I can't even begin to explain how much respect I have and how it I think as a lot of guys probably think I'm tough like she she made the tough like into a thing I can't even imagine, you know, she's like a superhero. But the reason that I think it's so important to us that stories, at the end of it, as we found out that it worked in her pathology came back negative and the tumors were gone.

We didn't have a bunch of changes in our future. You know, like with my dad, he had to change his whole life. He literally moved to Mexico and started doing all these adventures and things he had never done. My wife and I our plans the same. And that was so powerful to me. Because when we sat down and started thinking about what we were going to do, there wasn't like, we got to make all these changes, we got to we've been going to living for other people, we've been doing the wrong thing.

We actually were like, we're on our path. And this was just a crazy, crazy obstacle that she just broke through. But the path was the same and that was really powerful. Because like obviously we would be in still, you know, the idea of something happening and losing her it'd be completely devastating. But the regret part, you know of how she's been living her life isn't there. She's been living her life on her terms the way she wanted and intentionally. So that's a powerful

Nik Tarascio 

what's an incredible it's an incredible story. And again, sorry you went through that and congratulations for coming on the other side of it with a positive outcome. I wonder for you is there is there a regret you look back on in your life as someone who's had to think about that so much. Is there something specifically like that is the number one regret I had?

Joe Huff 

Oh, you know what, man, I mean, and hotshot more regrets than I can imagine. But I don't have it's funny because I guess that's the difference when you start talking about this kind of a life right where it's most people's biggest regrets are the things they didn't do not the things they did that went wrong. So my regrets for things I did are things like that was you know, that was dumb. I could have done that better, et cetera on but the bigger regrets probably not starting I feel like even like, like this whole idea of what your song is that use that musical metaphor. I feel like if I had actually done the more personal work, I probably would have been doing this sooner I had a lot of fear, I was actually very afraid of, you know, basically telling people this message or this story or trying to, you know, influence people, I felt like maybe that would be maybe I'm a fraud, maybe I'm not worthy of sharing that etc.

And, and I feel like, took me a long time to get past that. And so I would say I probably just regret not starting sooner. And I think that's the overall message that most of the regrets in the 20,000 Plus person survey. It's all stuff like, I wish I started my business sooner. I wish I had traveled more sooner. I wish I did. It's all stuff that people wish they did, or started sooner than they did some.

Nik Tarascio 

Have you done the eulogy exercise for yourself?

Joe Huff 

Yeah, you know, we actually went deeper than that Bridget and I did a little fake funeral concert a few years back, the people do this in that and saw and it's, it's quite popular. And I think probably in other parts of the world. It's even been a comical release. But yeah, that it was an episode of Larry David. And we did it like, you know, joking. Way, definitely. But it's powerful. Still, I gotta say, you know, when you ask your friends, like, you know what they would say? I was surprised at how many people you know, talked about how I inspired them to start a business or, you know, do something that they hadn't thought they could do, because I did it.

And I think that that's something that in society we take for granted, we don't realize that our actions are really what speaks the loudest. So you know, like you having this podcast. And there's definitely folks that are listening and watching going, You know what, that that Nick can do it? I could do, you're giving people permission, right to like, live their dreams, and especially if it's like, well, you know, Nick didn't come from some family of broadcasters or history of entertainers, or blah, blah, blah, and it's like it, it connects people in a way they're like, that's that he's like me, I could do that, because he did it.

And that was really powerful. It was really, really powerful to hear how many little things I didn't realize that I had done that affected people without even knowing that I did that. So it's worth doing. I think people, I think people would enjoy that experience. And I think he got it takes a little bit of the that negative like you want to, let's make it a little less serious, the whole deaf topic and make it a little more lighthearted.

Nik Tarascio 

Ya know, I love my 43rd birthday is coming up in two weeks, and I was trying to figure out what to do, I think I'm actually going to do it as funeral. That's great. Because I have some of my closest friends coming over to back, let's have some fun. Let's hear what you guys have to say about it. And like touching on the you know, you talk about stand up comedy, which is something I also pursued for whatever reason you and I have a very, very similar path. And I very much appreciate that. We're also in like, the black T shirt club. But yeah, I think that there's something really beautiful about the idea of comedy is tragedy plus time, right? Like, if you've ever heard that equation, right? And it's like, for most people, it's like, oh, man, things are so heavy and dark. And it's like, just give it some time. Give it some time, we can find the levity in it. And we can laugh about it. Because if we can't laugh about it, then man, it's a hard ride if we can't see the humor in at all.

Joe Huff 

Yeah, we there's a whole chapter in the book, literally turning negatives into positives, because it is and so much of it is that you know, and even that's why the idea of, you know, going out and trying to have an experience, even the stuff that at the time, like, for instance, we all know like for me, I protect the kids. It's hard to travel with kids, but I do it. And in the moment, there's definitely times where I've got like, you know, two very uncomfortable kids or they're driving me a little bit crazy, or, you know, we're whatever you're trying to do whether you're setting up a campsite, or trying to get six hours to a hotel, or, you know, there's maybe projectile vomit or her she knows what with kids.

There's a lot of things happening afterwards. Like right now I'm laughing about it. Yeah, those are the things that you laugh about. Because it's so ridiculous. And that's why like, if you're in an experience with some friends and things like completely sideways, those are the best stories. Those are the ones that you want to tell nobody wants to hear the story about. Yeah, we went on this day trip and everything went absolutely perfectly. And it was very easy. No, no controversy happened. Nobody cares about that story.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, for sure. I mean, I recently was telling someone that my other like, what, what does life mean to you. And I said, life to me is just, you have a certain number of containers of moments. And you try to fill them with with as much experience as you can. And then you have a bunch of connective tissue of like the other stuff that happens in life. And, man, this is I love the way you framed it again, it's like anything, it's like you could take a guitar and you could sing over it. But sometimes when people do it, it moves you in a way that other people can't. And I just love the way you've you've really framed it. Thanks.

Joe Huff 

You know, it's funny when when we started this, you know, writing this and sharing this content but it's not new. I definitely think that lots and lots of people, you know, throughout history have preached this message. And, but it's the time and the messenger. And we hope I hope that I can connect with people that just this hasn't struck, you know, this this concept. And yeah, the whole idea of moments, you know, that's the end to be clear, by the way, you know, this isn't about experiences versus money, I think that people confuse that and they think, well, great, have a bunch of experiences, I've got to work, I've got to pay my bills, absolutely, totally agree, it's about experiences being the most important thing to invest in.

So even if you, you know, have this huge, big idea of like, I want to go on a vacation to you know, travel Europe, and whatever, you put that on your calendar for a year from now. And in the meantime, do what you can do, you know, start filling up your days and stop losing the time that is getting stolen from you every day with stuff that doesn't add value to your life, because that's what you can control, there's a lot of little everyday moments that you fill in around all the bigger picture things. So besides doing the big picture stuff, you got to get those little moments in, because the moments as you put it, you know, those are, that's your experiential, you know, wealth. And the wealth equation that we've been taught forever is that your money equals happiness, and the more money you have, the more happiness and everybody that's successful, that worked their ass off to get successful, but sacrificed everything else in their life. A lot of them are, you know, eating a very on tasty sandwich, right? Because they're just like, this isn't what I thought, right?

I sacrificed my family live, I sacrificed my 20s or my 30s, or whatever, and I didn't do anything. And I didn't put those moments in what the real equation is our experiences times a lot equals happiness, you know, if you can get that whoever gets the most experience is that it's a contest, but those are the people that feel good. And again, back to like the bankruptcy story. You don't lose them, right? You know, what your experiences good or bad years forever, you invest in them. And they also make you more valuable, generally speaking, because everybody you know, you're, you're so specialized, you can be replaced in a job, you can be less interesting in the social environment, etc. But the person that's, you know, done more things has more to talk about as more give us more perspective has more value as a person, both in their personal life and their social life and, and in their, their work life. So it's a it's a mind shift, I think it's suddenly a mind shift that people just once they see it. Oh, yeah, I knew that. But I'm glad I got reminded.

Nik Tarascio 

Phenomenal. And interestingly, my last question is somewhat answered by one of your processes. So I always ask people, what's their dream beyond? And I really think that's the treasure map question. Yeah. So for you what is what is the dream beyond what's the treasure map, this book, it's

Joe Huff 

funny this week, crazy as that might sound, this feels like my wife's very last immunotherapy was like two weeks ago, the books coming out in two weeks. And this feels like the beginning of, for lack of a better word, the rest of my life. This feels like my legacy kind of work. So for me, the dream is to build experiential billionaire as a message and as a brand and as a movement. Just over the course of the rest of my life, where I show my kids that you can do the things you want in life, you can write a book, you can inspire other people, you can make a positive change. And it's something that I think I can do forever because as I did, you know, physically less active, which sadly, I'm relatively sure happens, she can alter those are things that I can still I can hopefully still speak to people and share this message and share my stories and, and create a positive change. That's, that's my, my big dream is to try to affect as many people as possible.

Nik Tarascio 

Beautiful and sounds like that's a dream that's gonna come true in a big way. And we've only been speaking for 43 minutes and I'm so inspired by everything he said. So thank you for doing it, man. Thank you for sharing that.

Joe Huff 

I'm very very thankful to be I have a question for you though. So what what's if you what's on your your list on your treasure map? What are you What are you trying to achieve?

Nik Tarascio 

Great. I love a good turnaround by the way, I always know when I have a good guest and they're like, Wait, we're not done here. So yeah, I got a man to

Joe Huff 

help you achieve whatever your experiences are. We can do one together.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, that would be a lovely man. Oh, man. There's a lot of things that have come to me lately. i It sounds really reductive, but I want to give myself permission to be fully expressed and any medium I want to play in. And I think what that's really driven me to is I want to help people cultivate creativity.

Joe Huff 

That's awesome. I love it. And how would you see yourself doing that like creating tools or giving like actual direct standing,

Nik Tarascio 

I'm standing on that cliff right now of I don't know exactly what the media medium is. So I've been working with people on like, parts work and different modalities of healing. I do sound healing now in sound therapy. So I don't know what it is. But I know like in the next three months, I can feel that it's going to reveal itself as what the medium is I play in and I'm, I'm just putting that out there that if anyone has tools or practices for cultivating creativity within my dream has always been to write the perfect song and the perfect song is actually not me. It's it's without any distortion, allowing that source, that creativity, that muse to come through me. And knowing that it just, it happened in front of me, I want to be in a front row seat to letting that through. So that's been the dream is to spend the rest of my life moving. The ego, the distortions, the fear, what you just said, it's like, can you have the courage to actually speak what you know to be true without the fear of like, someone's gonna stab you and your most sensitive area when you're like, but this is what I believe. Don't say no, don't criticize don't troll me. Can I cultivate that confidence to be able to just to speak what feels true within me?

Joe Huff 

Oh, yeah, I think you can I think you're going to that's a really just thinking about it. That's the first step. You're already there. Right? So yeah, I mean, I know for a fact, people are going to come out and attack the book and the message and you know, there's going to be people, but I already know that people are going to it's going to resonate and change some lives. That's what matters, right? It matters, that you're doing that. So by just what you just shared, if you just start doing that. It only takes you know, the winds for you to forget about all the losses and maybe the song you'll come to realize the end is like the song has been all the songs that you've ever written all

Nik Tarascio 

that stuff. It's, it's my Bohemian Rhapsody, I gets that that's what it's like, the song is not chorus, you know, a chorus verse, chorus verse, it's more like it's just this crazy movement of all these different things that that is the dream. I don't think I ever wanted to have just the repeating pattern. So thank you for asking that. It's probably the first time I've verbalized it, and put it into words of like, yeah, that is what it is. It's about cultivating that source creativity and getting out of the way and seeing what comes through. Well, I

Joe Huff 

love it, man. It's beautiful. That's really cool. Thank

Nik Tarascio 

you. Thank you. This has been phenomenal. And I am excited to follow your journey. It is beautiful to reconnect. And thanks for sharing so much from your heart and doing what you do. And for anybody that is curious to stay on the journey with Joe as you could check out experiential billionaire.com or his personal website Joe huff.com. He's got some info on his keynotes and everything on there. And of course, go get the book experiential billionaire build a life rich and experiences and die with no regrets that's on his websites and Amazon as well. And if you want to get playful, which this may be a birthday gift to myself or the treasure maps Man that sounds super cool to car deck that can inspire you to do some really cool things with your life and, and just add more experiences to them. And you could get those again on Amazon or his website. So Joe, thank you so much for being here, man.

Joe Huff 

Thank you. It was really great to reconnect man. I'm looking forward to the next round.

Nik Tarascio 

Absolutely. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it that really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at

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[weallpartyatybcpatricksfuneral]

Also Patrick was like. Awake for all this. He was heavily drugged by the time of young volcanos but he could very clearly see that his friends were eating his organs (and they were definitely eating more than just like a kidney because the shots of the food paralleled with multiple surgery scars on Patrick's body imply that many more organs were taken out.)

I believe the one shot of Pete vomiting blood + the snake (along with some shots of the young volcanos video) imply that he also figures it out but?? Andy and Joe NEVER realize it and it's not even known if Pete even knows what happened at that dinner. Patrick probably knows some as he was awake to see what was happening but too drugged to comprehend it (by the time of the young volcanos video he is very out of it and giddy, so he's been drugged for a while).

This definitely ties in with the brainwashing Patrick goes through where he becomes hostile to music itself . He's had to cannibalize not only part of his physical self but also his metaphorical self.

- physically Patrick has eaten part of his own body that was forcibly removed from him. Like this wasn't skin or anything THESE WERE HIS INTERNAL ORGANS that were being eaten. And Patrick wasn't even put under anything for the operation either: he's wide awake as the women dissect him in The Phoenix mv. There's also some really fucked up ties to the last supper (which adds to the messiah like imagery that surrounds all of the guys but Patrick specifically) as the four of them literally consume the body and blood (I think it's also implied that the wine they drink is blood? Not entirely sure but it is possible). Patrick has part of him consumed by not only himself by but others-- others that he absolutely loves.

-metaphorically a part of him was torn out violently and then consumed by himself in the form of music. Patrick is the frontman! The lead singer + rhythm guitarist! He is VERY tied to music not just in fall out boy but also in his solo stuff. Which is why HE is chosen to become the brainwashing victim instead of Pete or Andy or Joe. Music is very very important to who Patrick is as a person, and that part of him is VIOLENTLY removed in an invasive procedure (paralleling the physical invasive procedure of the dissection in the Phoenix). Both the Alone Together and Rat A Tat mv show how painful the brainwashing process is for Patrick. It's implied he's being violently shocked (the electrodes on his head) while being forced to listen to music, which creates a sort of response that associates music to violence and pain and anger (in a sort of Pavlov's dogs type of experiment). Here Patrick is forced to "cannibalize" his music (whether it was his music or not that he was conditioned with, it's music all the same it's quite literally part of his body) and become something evil for the benefit of others.

What you said about the intimacy of it all-- carrying a part of the person you love inside of you in the most literal, evil sense-- is totally correct and I feel like it has something to do with the toxic relationship imagery that is spread throughout Fall Out Boys music (but VERY specifically in Where Did The Party Go and Miss Missing You).

- both of these songs address a relationship. A very toxic one at that-- WDTPG directly draws parallels between a person and a pack of cigarettes. They're beautiful (in a twisted sense) from afar, but it's only after you start to get involved that true colors are shown and you start ingesting poison. Specifically this parallel to cigarettes makes me think of the feast in Young Volcanos and how Patrick has to watch the people most important to him (whether you choose to view it romantically as in Pete or strictly platonic is up to you. The idea is the same at its core). Patrick has to watch this sort of twisted up beauty-- beauty being in the form of a holy supper, twisted in the sense they are literally consuming his body and blood-- and he eventually has to ingest his own poison himself. Patrick is both ends of the toxic relationship that he has with himself: he is the person that is toxic and dangerous and who you shouldn't get near because he will hurt yoy (as evidenced by him killing Joe and Pete in the two songs I specified) while also being the person dragged into a toxic relationship that slowly poisons him from the inside out.

-

[funnfinnreal]

for people who missed x/jevin/doc's livestream (Joe was there but he wasn't streaming) - they did a hermitcraft season 9 town hall and so I'm gonna try to write down as much info as I can get

warning: long post - i tried to be as concise as possible but this was a 2+ hour stream. also it’s somewhat disjointed but that’s just bc i went in the order they said things

I wasn't there for all of it so if I missed something that's why. also they can talk faster than I can type so I may have missed some stuff there

-they wanted to take a longer break this time, they've never had much time between seasons since the start rly

-they were planning on the 19th originally, but it had to be pushed back

-x's posting of the date on the video wasn't meant to be seen? YouTube stops videos on the final frame, it was only supposed to show up for a split second

-there were reasons for everyone to get a break, not just one hermit, everyone had complications

-they met very close to the "start date" so they didn't have everything figured out NSJFHJS and ppl had more complications coming up

-due to the uncertainty and complications they pushed it back

-doc said "quicker than you think" for the new season!! he said they need maybe one more meeting before the start

-Jevin clarified that this was NOT just because of Scar - several hermits has complications

-X said it's not healthy to speculate on why and it's affecting some of them, just send Scar support and nothing else

-Doc said they're not gonna give a firm date in case more complications arise

-Doc also said they're all just youtubers trying to also lead normal lives!! they're not trying to misinform things just Happen

-they have a date, it's soon but they're not gonna say bc of what Doc said

-it's going to be a full season! not a short season like 8. they plan seasons around updates and the caves and cliffs split messed them up. "we learned a lot from short seasons - don't do them"

-the short season was an experiment for them, and it sounds like most of them didn't like it

-Joe said not to read into people's health based on the launch date - the date does not mean anything about Scar's health and it's stressing him (scar) out

-Joe said it was later than he would've thought? soon regardless

-sounds like time between seasons is going to be the norm from here out - they enjoyed their independent time to recharge

-the date has to be unanimous (or consensus driven as Joe said - there are usually one or two people who have different opinions but they understand they have to work in a group) (as do all of their decisions) remember there are 26 hermits some with fulltime jobs - I can't even coordinate a date for my 4 friends man I can't imagine

-some hermits may not be there at the start due to schedule but they'll all be there at some point. again scheduling for 26 people is almost impossible

-stress and iskall WILL be there this season FULL TIME!! they needed a break but they're both very excited for the new season

-everyone who was on s8 will still be on s9

EVERYTHING AFTER THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO DO WITH THE DATE, JUST OTHER ASPECTS OF S9 AND HERMITCRAFT IN GENERAL. 

-x has 13k viewers (he broke his record!) and he said he's going to try to stream a lot in the first week of s9 (so go follow his twitch)

-they add new members by first voting, then asking the person to join - it takes a lot of time to add new members because they have to vet them thoroughly and they don't add temporary members - once you're in you're a full member, there's no probation, no hazing, the newest members are on the same level as the oldest right away

-no one has ever denied joining as far as they know, but Joe almost said no! he did solo challenge maps and wasn't sure if he wanted to come in or not and said he thought it was a scam at first MSJFJSJ

-part of the vetting process is being fairly sure the person will Want to join - they wouldn’t ask someone like dream bc they know he probs wouldn’t care to join

-THERE WILL BE A SHOPPING DISTRICT THIS SEASON!! last season the idea was separate districts to promote stories and competition, but it didn't really work LMAO. most people just ended up being independent and selling the same stuff as all the other shops - people weren't gonna check every shop on the server just to find one thing

-shopping district was always a natural thing, it wasn't initially planned and enforcing rules about it takes away the "natural-ness"

-they don't consider popularity when adding members, subcount means nothing, they look at your content, how you carry yourself in public, etc

-it's annoying to ask people to join an smp or to ask ppl in the smp to add a specific person - X brought up a recent fwhip tweet

-Joe brought up being bothered about joining Grian's series and how annoying that is - he doesn't know why he's not and he doesn't care - it sounds like all the hermits get this

-Gem and False joined!

-they've picked a seed but they can't say much about it - X did accidentally say that he was gonna be the only one on an island tho lmao. they did a poll to see if ppl cared about the seed and were surprised when most people said no

-there will be a "starter town" in s9 - almost everyone will start in the same area and eventually spread out - this was something they did in s3 and liked it a lot so they're bringing it back. hermits don't Have to do it but it's the general plan

-there are no plans to form groups again, but they could form organically

-the data pack with the texture changes (derpcoin, beef's food, scar's hat, etc) was an experiment that they tried. a lot of viewers love it and a lot don't. some of the textures were way too detailed and didn't look vanilla enough.

-they may add custom textures in s9, but they have to look vanilla and can't be excessive

-overall, they just have to test content real-time! they don't have data about things, they just Do Things and if they fail they fail. s8 especially was meant to be very experimental

-the mods used on the server are mostly for performance and video-making reasons. minecraft is not meant to be played by 26 people at once.

-they WILL still have proximity chat! and it will be on the server until they can't anymore. a lot of communication barriers are solved and the audio quality is better than discord in recordings with it. they all seem to love it

-some like to use litematica and some don't but they're allowed to use client-side mods like that. there's a code of honor there, where they won't use automatic aspects of the mod, just the blueprint function. same with other client-side mods

-the hermatrix and moon were modded (kind of obvious but I wanted to add it in NSJHFS). the moon mod was super complicated - the blocks floating weren't just random and neither was anything else! that's the heaviest modding they've done

-doc is probably gonna make a video showing off the moon mod and make it public

-they're not adding the create mod. i didn't think they were but a lot of ppl on the streams were asking

-there's no senority in hermitcraft. everyone has an equal voice. ik i said that already but jev said it again. joe reiterated this and said the server wouldn't work if they didn't. "bring in people you trust and act like you trust them"

-X wants to abandon "all forms of symmetry and counting" for his builds next season - no numbers. (when he said he was abandoning symmetry false popped in and said "hey!" which was funny)

-stories on the server are somewhat scripted - there's a beginning and an end planned out and maybe some cornerstones but how they get there isn't predetermined. sometimes someone will talk about what type of story is important to them but again it's not defined

-I GOT AN AD but they're talking about storylines more. X dipped out for a minute so i switched to Doc's stream to make sure i didn't miss anything

-generally the person who created the story guides it but they keep reiterating that there's a huge improv element

-ren joined and he tried to use some intro music but his mic kept cutting out MSJHFHD but ya ren is there now. and X came back

-they don't feel that vanilla/survival limits them, if anything it challenges them to be More creative

-they're super ready to challenge themselves, they don't feel the magnitude of their builds have plateaued or anything

-several hermits are potentially planning minigames this season

-they're all always challenging themselves and doc talked about how they're playing with their youtube idols! they want to look good for the people they admire! doc specifically mentioned Scar and Etho as his. being in a group of amazingly talented people and being able to bounce ideas off of them/get criticism is very inspiring

-you're probably not gonna be able to join hc but it's such a great experience they're all saying you should try to make your own thing like it! even if it's not minecraft, just making a group and doing cool things together is amazing!

-ren said that overall they're gonna be "digging into the old school" this season and bringing back a lot of stuff from older seasons. maybe smaller pranks, minigames, the starter village, etc

-they try to encourage collabs as much as possible. in any group there are ppl who get along easier/record together better than others and so collabs just don't work for everyone together. there's always gonna be ppl in a large group who hang out more within a smaller group.

-also timezones are a huge thing. they'll wake up early/stay up late if there's a concrete thing but if they're not usually awake at the same time they're not rly gonna collab

-they're planning to update to 1.19, sounds like they're gonna do the same thing they did with 1.14 but they're not sure (it sounds like there may have been a miscommunication)

-tbh i recommend going back and watching the vod if u have the time, there's a lot i can't get down

-they don't care about trends/popularity, they want to make their own stuff without obeying the algorithm

-there needs to be some mystery about them in order to make their storylines so they don’t want to reveal everything

-also their own audiences affect how they do their content/stories - ren and doc have an older audience compared to grian etc

-they mostly add youtubers but if you have very exceptional content they'd consider anyways. streamers are live so much they might spoil content so they look more specifically for youtubers. also not all of them agree on that

-jevin had to go at this point

-gem writes plans for her stories in advance but she has a lot that she uses for different things

-big things, like the s6 civil war are largely impromptu. they may plan the start of the season but they don't necessarily plan how the full season is gonna go

-apparently Gem and Pearl have a lot of plans together, they're good friends outside of the server and they're planning some pranks and chaos. im excited

-they're being very vague about potential new members but it sounds like there won't be anyone new this season. they just said "maybe" but joe said that usually they add when people take the season off or leave and nobody is doing that this season

-at the very least, ren and doc aren't continuing their s8 hermatrix storyline. x is not continuing either, he doesn't care much for rp. for the most part they don't want to re-do any old storylines, but they didn't say anything about other hermits. so everyone except X, doc, and ren is up in the air

-they're never gonna do modded. doc rly doesn't like it and it's very hard to make good modded content, it's a lot of grind for not a lot of reward. some hermits do like it tho! Gem talked abt her own modded series. joe likes non-technical mods/packs bc tech packs require a ton of wiki reading. doc and X pointed out that there are often a lot of exploits that break the game

-other series have a big time commitment in general. most hermits don't have time for more than one. gem doesn't have a lot of responsibilities outside of content so she can but it's hard for a lot of other hermits

-hermitcraft is a long-game type of content so they're able to take breaks, even though youtube doesn't like that

-doc said he's never gonna get a dad bod despite being a dad. not relevant to hermitcraft but i wanted to include this

-apparently sometimes other hermits will ask others to change builds if they think it doesn't look good enough for the server SNFJJS not too often bc they dont want Drama but it does happen

-there's probably not gonna be a theme for the starter village, ppl don't have a lot of resources at that point anyways

-X is gonna try to be more spontaneous this season

-there wasn't a lot of new info after that point, a lot of ppl hadnt been there at the start so they just reiterated other stuff

this ended up being SO Long so uh... sorry. I hope it was informative tho! and kinda disjointed but i mostly put it in the order they said things

[paradisetemporarilymisplaced]

So I was being a basic bitch the other day and listening to my true crime podcasts when it occurred to me just how suspicious Nile’s “death” would look to everyone not in the Guard, leading me to a train of thought that, 2200 words later, absolutely got away from me but I can’t let go so I’m inflicting it on all of you!

To set the stage, we know the movie takes place over approximately a week. Here’s what happens to Nile from the military’s point of view:

She dies is very seriously injured

She heals without a scratch

Just before she’s supposed to be shipped out to Germany, she vanishes, leaving two men concussed (and presumably reporting being knocked out by a woman with short hair wearing civilian clothes)

She goes AWOL for several days

They get word from the CIA that she is to be reported killed in action (details unclear)

So, at the beginning of this very weird week, the USMC has to tell Nile’s family of her death critical injury. What her family was told depends on how long she was dead – a Google search tells me that family will be notified in person within 8 hours of a soldier’s death, but we don’t know how long her first death lasted. For an injury, however, they’d get a phone call to notify them and the unit would arrange for them to visit as soon as the soldier is transferred out of a combat zone. Like I remember when I was in high school, a guy from my church who was a Marine was really seriously injured in a helicopter crash in Iraq and from what I could tell, his parents were told immediately and were flown out to Germany to see him, so it stands to reason that Nile’s family would have been informed relatively quickly after her throat was slashed, one way or another.

And then, she goes AWOL. Her family would be notified while the USMC tried to figure out where she went, not least because the military would want to know if she’s contacted them. (And it’s possible that her family may have been on the way to Germany to see her since we know that’s where she was supposed to go!) So for several days:

Nile’s mom and brother have no idea where she is

They know she was seriously injured and most certainly should not have been moving around on her own

They can’t get a hold of her

The military can’t tell them anything

And the next thing they know for sure is that she was “killed in action.” After being injured and vanishing into thin air. And they presumably cannot produce her body or any concrete evidence of her death. In any case, something sketchy is going on, so they’re like. SMELLS LIKE A MILITARY COVERUP.

In a surprise to probably no one, there is a well-documented legacy of mysterious US military deaths, particularly of women of color (TW for sexual assault in these links). The cases of LaVena Johnson and Vanessa Guillenin particular have made national news because of their families’ persistence in seeking justice. Likewise, Nile is a Black woman, and her mom and brother are most certainly hypercognizant of (a) state violence against Black people and (b) these high-profile cases of suspicious military deaths. So her family are seriously side-eyeing the situation, knowing that (a) the military has a serious incentive (and a documented history) of covering up things that make them look bad and (b) nothing about Nile’s disappearance and supposed death are adding up.

And Andy’s right. Nile does come from warriors. And you know who else does? Her brother.

Don’t get me wrong. Nile’s mom would absolutely not back down. She’d know something was up and want to get to the bottom of it. But based on what I know about Gen X parents (mine), they’re not the most technologically savvy. Like they can use the internet, but they didn’t grow up with it the way we young millennials and Gen Z did. So Nile’s brother takes the lead. And what do zillennials do best?

Social media.

Nile’s brother starts going hard on any site he can, trying to get the word out to see if anyone knows what happened to his sister. He starts a Reddit thread. He starts a Facebook group. He reaches out to the media and true crime bloggers and podcasters à la Sarah Turney, getting loud and being a general nuisance in hopes of getting some answers. He gets his friends and Nile’s friends involved. Maybe eventually Dizzy, Jay, and others from Nile’s unit hear about it and reach out, telling him what they saw and how weird it all was. He’s drumming up interest, and soon “Nile Freeman” becomes a household name (at least among the true crime fans).

Copley is, of course, trying his best, but at this point there is just so much that it’s impossible for him to scrub everything. Sure, he can erase new footage of Nile and the Guard, but what can he do about Reddit threads and podcast episodes that are speculating something weird has happened? Maybe he could hack the sites and shut those things down, but honestly, that’s the last thing he’d want to do, because that only adds weight to the theory that Nile’s disappearance is a military coverup. So eventually he has to tell Andy what’s going on.

Andy, obviously, does not take the news well. However, she is also completely computer illiterate, because that’s Booker’s job and he’s the only one who ever bothered to learn what the internet is in any meaningful way. (She probably calls Booker for advice, and for the record, I think Booker would have no qualms about shutting down conspiracy threads, tinhats be damned, but Copley is too concerned about the consequences. He’s ex-CIA for crying out loud, he knows how it’ll look if they scrub every mention of Nile’s name from the internet.) Maybe she confers with Joe and Nicky but, let’s be honest, they’d be equally unhelpful. So at this point, she knows they have to bring in Nile.

But the thing about Nile is that she, too, knows how to use the internet (duh). Aside from her being a young millennial/digital native, we know from the cave scene where she’s giving Booker suggestions on how to track Copley that she clearly is even more computer savvy than the average person. And for that reason she almost definitely took over the day-to-day tech stuff after Booker’s exile. So I think it would be foolish to expect her to be unaware of what’s happening. She’s not contacting her family or posting on the message boards or anything, but she knows what’s up. So Copley and the team probably sit her down to “break the news,” but we know the girl does not have a poker face (see: literally shooting herself in the foot and not being able to play it cool whatsoever) and cracks immediately, telling them she’s seen everything about her case – she’s not interacting with any of it, she certainly didn’t instigate anything, but she knows. (And she is so goddamn proud of her brother.)

At this point, I’d like to pause and consider Nile’s role in the overall narrative of this movie. She’s set up as a foil to Andy, obviously, but she’s also a foil to Booker. Booker, who, like Andy, is a serious pessimist, but who, unlike Andy, still has very fresh memories and trauma associated with being the new kid, which have destroyed him. In his mind (and Andy’s), if Nile communicates with her family, she’ll become just like him in a century or two – bitter, alone, and stuck with her grief and memories of watching her family die and knowing they died resenting her. It’s a small sample size, but this is the only experience they have to go off of.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

There’s been a lot of discussion of TOG being a fundamentally queer movie – a group of people brought together because of something inherent about themselves that is different, that must be hidden, that causes others to hate, fear, and reject them. Booker’s backstory is the archetypal traumatic “coming out” story – his family learns who he is, hate him for it, and attempt to cast him out of their lives. He’s stuck with his trauma, his pain, his loss, and it consumes him.

But what if Nile’s family would be the opposite? What if her “coming out” to them as immortal is met with acceptance, love, celebration? What if her family is just overjoyed to have her back, and they don’t care what the circumstances are? I'm reminded of this incredible post from @shitty-old-guard-deaths a while back, where Nile’s mother hits Booker with a frying pan because “my baby let me believe she was dead for FIVE YEARS based on your bad advice???” (which may or may not have inspired this whole tangent). Nile takes the advice of someone who did the same thing she wants to do because she doesn’t want to risk her family’s rejection. She wants the good memories with her family and is afraid that showing them her true self will bring her unbearable pain, forever replacing those memories. But, with high risk comes high reward.

Anyway. Nile and the team are trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this whole thing, but she’s not really participating because she’s too afraid to hope. Until finally, quickly, so she doesn’t lose her nerve, she suggests she reach out to them, knowing that, realistically, that’s the only solution before things snowball even further out of control. The team is shocked, but realize that she has a point. They decide that Copley should actually be the first point of contact, posing as a US government official to talk with them and test the waters.

So Copley goes to Nile’s family’s house to talk with her mom and brother. They’re probably distrustful and apprehensive, but nonetheless secretly ecstatic that their work has paid off. They talk and review all of the information that they’ve collected, including testimonials from the people on Nile’s base and recent sightings (along with photos) of Nile (with the same three people) over the last few years that people have sent them but they haven’t posted publicly. At this point, Copley’s like, yeah this is about to blow up, we gotta put our cards on the table. He convinces them to come with him to some safe house/black site/whatever he can get that is technologically impenetrable (I’m picturing them in like, an interrogation room at a police station kind of deal), takes their phones, locks the doors, and brings in Nile.

What follows is the most delightful reunion scene of all time, bringing Joe, Nicky, and even Andy to tears as they watch and listen from outside the room. With Copley’s help, Nile tells her mom and brother about her immortality and what’s been going on since she died (within reason, of course), and they are thrilled. They don’t understand why (because no one does) but they don’t question it and they see it as a gift from God – she’s been resurrected, she will live, and she has a purpose. Her mother and brother are so happy to see her again and are willing to agree with pretty much anything to stay in her life as long as they can.

So. They set up some complicated agreement (they bring in the other three for support/intimidation as needed) setting the terms of their relationship. They swear Nile’s family to secrecy, maybe bringing up the lab to show how high the stakes are, and they readily agree. They come up with some cover story for Nile’s brother to share on the message boards (maybe that the government has opened an investigation but because it’s an open case he has to shut it all down? Tells people to direct their tips somewhere else? Something to that effect). There’s still speculation, of course, but without Nile’s brother at the helm providing the energy, the hype dies down as news stories are wont to do without any movement. And Nile’s family goes to work for the team. The experience has taught them that Copley can’t possibly do everything himself, especially when it comes to social media, so Nile’s brother takes the lead on the day-to-day tracking/social media while Copley and her mom focus on finding jobs and scrubbing their traces afterward.

So there you have it: Nile gets to integrate her biological family into her found family and spend the rest of their lives with them as it should be, Copley gets some badly needed help managing the reality of social media, the team finally has a positive narrative surrounding outsiders Knowing About Them AND about interacting with people from their previous life, and the audience gets the happy ending to this very lovely and very queer story to counteract the pain associated with Booker’s family.

Plus, you know, I’m a sucker for both a good government conspiracy theory and for Nile getting every good thing she deserves.

[octaviasdread]

any girls! dark academia movie recs? i really struggle to find anything not about a group of boys (as much as I love them)

SO MANY!!! This is probably a far more detailed answer than you were expecting but this is a popular question and I want to keep a list for myself and others.

Feel free to add to it/give opinions. I've tried to give a tw for anything I can remember

Girls! Dark Academia Movies/TV Shows

Mona Lisa Smile (2003)

1950s Women’s college

Art professor! Julia Roberts

She’s legit the female Mr Keating of the art & college world

Feminism vs. Tradition

Maggie Gyllenhall x Ginnifer Goodwin; their characters were more than friends. Fight me.

Does not end how you expect

Strike!/All I Wanna Do/The Hairy Bird (1998)

MY FAVOURITE!!!

Free on YouTube under one of its various names

Comedy

1960s all girls boarding school

Young Kirsten Dunst

Group of girls plot to sabotage a merger with a boys school less prestigious than their own

Secret attic clubhouse meetings of the D.A.R aka Daughters of the American Ravioli (eaten cold, ew)

girls get political & advocate for their rights using ANY elaborate and chaotic scheme

TW: eating disorder, vomiting & creepy male teacher but the girls plot against him too

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1969)

based on a short book I read for uni by Muriel Spark

1930s girls school in Edinburgh

Scottish teacher! Maggie Smith, controversial with a focus on romantic ideals

Spoiler alert, the liberal teacher is actually a fascist

Her group of fave students has cult- vibes and it’s fascinating

Picnic at Hanging Rock

1970s movie or 2018 mini series

Never watched either but I plan to

Wild Child (2008)

00s romcom every UK teen girl loves

Emma Roberts as the spoiled rich American teenager sent to a strict English boarding school

Plots to get herself expelled but oh no she’s making friends with the girls who help her

And the headmistress has a hot son, and he’s nice??? Double oh no

ICONIC SCENES

Everything! Goes! Wrong!

omg she burns the school down

Feel good, comfort, nostalgia

St Trinians (2007)

English girls boarding school

The kids are all criminals, no joke

So are the teachers

CHAOTIC

gay awakening for british girls

Art heist pulled off by school girls

Government tries to shut them down but oh no, the education minister & the headmistress are ex-lovers

Colin Firth x Rupert Everett in drag

Superior cast: Jodie Whittaker, Gemma Arterton, Juno Temple, Stephen Fry, Colin Firth, etc...

embodies the phrase 'problematic fave'

St Trinians 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold (2009)

Mystery, pirate ancestors, hidden treasure

omg Shakespeare was a woman

girls disguised as boys to infiltrate and rob the posh boys school

Villain! David Tennant in that ICONIC boat scene

Teen girls vs. ancient misogynist brotherhood

like the first film but MORE chaotic and BETTER!???

The Falling (2014)

1960s all girls school

best friends! but its unrequited love

Agoraphobic + distant mother aka mommy issues

Sudden death and the school suppresses/ignores the students grief, sparking mass hysteria & a fainting epidemic in the girls

Cast: Maisie Williams (GoT) & Florence Pugh (Little Women) & Joe Cole (Peaky Blinders)

TW: teen pregnancy, death, vomiting, underage s*x, sibling inc*st, past s*xual assault

READ THE PLOT SUMMARY FIRST

The Book Thief (2013)

Based on an amazing book by Markus Zusak

set in 1940s Nazi Germany

Daughter of a communist whose family were taken by the Nazis/died is fostered by an older couple who teach her to read & she paints a dictionary on the basement walls

Coming of age story about a compulsive book thief. No joke, this kid steals books from banned book burnings and breaks into the mayor's library through the window

Family hides the Jewish son of an old friend in their basement and he helps her to start writing about her experiences in the war

TW: death, bombings, WW2 anti-semitism

Mary Shelley (2017)

Overall good & roughly biographical

Pretty costumes and aesthetic

Modern feminist take on Mary Shelly in her own time period

So many INACCURACIES for the drama so don’t take it as truth

Percy Shelley slander and not all of it is justified

Cast: Elle Fanning, Douglas Booth, and Maisie Williams

The Secret Garden (1993)

Based on a fave childhood book

1901 colonial India & Yorkshire, England

Orphaned, spoilt & neglected girl sent to live with her reclusive Uncle in the English countryside

Gothic elements, mysteries, secret doors/passages/locked gardens

local boy with a flock of animals, magic, kids chanting around a fire and all around immaculate vibes

Happy ending!!!

Hidden Figures (2016)

African-American women as mathematicians for NASA

1960s space project

Women balancing a career and family obligations

Deals with racial & gender discrimination

Loosely based on the lives of Katherine Johnson, Mary Jackson, and Dorothy Vaughan who worked for NASA as engineers & mathematicians

Anne of Green Gables (1985) & sequel (1987)

Adaptation L.M. Montgomery’s ‘Anne of Green Gables’ books

Canada (late 1890s/early 1900s)

Highly imaginative & bookworm orphan is adopted by a reclusive elderly brother and sister duo

Small town & school years comedic drama

Unrequited Enemies -> Friends -> lovers

Inspiring new woman teacher

Girls re-enact Tennyson’s poem and nearly drown for the aesthetic™

Dramatic poetry reading with INTENSE 👀eye contact👀

Writer! Anne & English teacher! Anne dealing with unruly girls school antics

Collette (2018)

biographical drama on french writer Sidonie-Gabrielle Collette

Victorian & Edwardian era France

More talented than her husband so she ghostwrites for him

Fight for creative ownership of her wildly successful novels

Affairs with a woman called Georgie and also with Missy, born female but masculine presenting

Cast: Keira Knightly, Dominic West, Eleanor Tomlinson (Poldark)

Enola Holmes (2020)

Netflix book adaptation

Younger sister of Sherlock Holmes

Victorian era! feminism/suffragettes

Mother-daughter focus

Mystery, adventure, secret codes, teens running away & escaping from (and eventually fighting) assassins

Cast: Helena Bonham Carter, Henry Cavill, Sam Claflin, Fiona Shaw, Millie Bobby Brown

Ginger & Rosa (2012)

1960s England

best friends since literal birth navigating troubled teen years

poet & anti-nuclear activist! Ginger

off the rails but also catholic! Rosa

Shout out to Mark & Mark the gay godfathers we all want

family troubles 

TW: older man has an affair with a 17 yr old

Testament of Youth (2014)

based on WW1 memoir by Vera Brittain

young woman (writer & poetry lover) escapes traditional family & goes to study at Oxford University

abandons to become a war nurse

romance, tragedy and war trauma

Cast: Alicia Vikander, Kit Harrington (GoT), Taron Edgerton (Rocketman), Colin Morgan (Merlin)

Little Women (2019)

Writer! Jo & Artist! Amy

Mother/daughter focus and sister dynamics

the March sisters’ theatre club is *chefs kiss*

champagne problems edits of Jo x Laurie are a mood

Ambivalent ending perfectly captures Louisa May Alcott’s dilemma with the book the movie is based on

set in 1860s America

ALL STAR CAST and a Greta Gerwig masterpeice

Lady Bird (2017)

coming of age in early 2002/2003 Sacramento, California

all girls catholic school

writer! Christine aka Lady Bird wants to get outta town and start her life again at college 'in a city with culture'

Mother/daughter dynamics - so realistic!

I live for that Jesus car stunt & the nun's reaction

school theatre program

Cast: Saoirse Ronan, Timothee Chalamet, Beanie Feldstein

Another Greta Gerwig gem

Beguiled (2017)

Virginia, civil war era

Girls school with only five students and two teachers left

Find an injured Union army soldier & bring him inside

Women & teenagers want his attention (v. problematic) before uniting against him

(tbh you'll either love it, hate it, or watch once & forget it)

Sofia Coppola film so its very feminine gaze

TW: violence, death, underage

Legally Blonde (2001)

No questions will be taken

Elle Woods was the blue print

TV series:

House of Anubis (2011-2013)

I know it’s a kids/young teen show but I still unironically love it

ANCIENT EGYPT!!!!

Modern day with Victorian era links to treasure hunters & Egyptian research expeditions (stealing from tombs)

Chosen one plot lines, curses, kidnapping, mysteries, secret tunnels under the school, elixir of life

Teens have investigate & protect themselves cus oh no the TEACHERS are involved in some shady stuff

new American kid at British boarding school is the actual premise not just a fanfic au

Nostalgic, light-hearted, funny, and kinda cheesy but I will accept no criticism

The Alienist (2018 -now)

Mid 1890s, New York

Woman’s private detective agency (Season 2)

Serial killer mystery

Woman secretary turns detective and teams up with a criminal psychiatrist and a newspaper editor to solve crime

TW: violence, child pr*stit*tion

Cast: Dakota Fanning, Luke Evans, Daniel Bruhl

The Queen’s Gambit (2020)

Woman chess prodigy

1950s & 1960s

TW: drug & alcohol abuse

Gentleman Jack (2019 - now)

Based on the diaries of Anne Lister

Victorian Yorkshire, England

Upper-class lesbians

Confident, suit wearing! Anne Lister x shy! Ann Walker

Business woman! Anne running the family mines

Cast: Suranne Jones (Doctor Foster) & Sophie Rundle (Peaky Blinders)

TW: violence

Gilmore Girls (2000-2007)

bubbly/ambitious single mom + intelligent daughter

bookworm! Rory Gilmore gets into a prestigious private school and then an Ivy League college

Small town drama is comedic gold

Fast dialogue packed with pop culture and literary references

Comforting & nostalgic

TEAM JESS

Anne with an E (2017-2019)

Loose adaptation of L.M. Montgomery’s ‘Anne of Green Gables’ books

they completely change the plot lines but it’s still very good content!

Orphan girl with trauma and a love of books/poetry is adopted by an elderly brother & sister duo, bringing light and fresh ideas to a rural community

Feminism, girls writing club, lgbtq safe spaces, girls eduction, black/indigenous representation

Miss Stacy as THAT inspiring teacher

Aunt Josephine’s lavish gay parties have my heart

TW: creepy male teacher tries to marry a student, racial discrimination, indigenous assimilation school

Victoria (2016-2019)

Adaption of Queen Victoria’s life

Victoria navigating her political, royal, and personal life

Albert’s involvement with The Great Exhibition, 1851 (on cultural + industrial innovations)

Alfred Paget x Edward Drummond is exquisite

Gorgeous costumes and aesthetics

TW: bury your gays trope

Derry Girls (2018-now)

1990s Northern Ireland during the troubles

Comedy, episodes 20-25 mins long

English boy sent to an all girls Catholic school with his cousin

✨Dead Poets Society parody episode ✨with a free-spirited female teacher

Sister Michael, the sarcastic nun who hates her job & reads the exorcist for giggles

Wee anxious lesbian! Clare Devlin (plus her friends wearing rainbow pins)

Badass with bad ideas! Michelle Mallon

Main Character! Erin Quinn

Lovable weirdo who would fight a polar bear! Orla McCool

Wee English fella & honorary Derry girl! James Maguire

Dickinson (2019-now)

Loose adaption of the poet Emily Dickinson’s life

Set in 19th century Massachusetts, US

Historical drama with modern dialogue & music that works SEAMLESSLY

gives a great understanding of Emily Dickinson’s poems

💕Vintage gays! Emily x Sue💕

Theatre club, writing, poetry, dressing as men to sneak into lectures, love letters, teen drama, feminism, and an underground abolitionist journal as a brief side plot in season 2

Wiz Khalifa plays death in a horse drawn carriage

TW: opium use

A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)

Based on great childhood books

Bookworm! brother, Inventor! sister, and baby sister with sharp teeth

Mystery, secret organisations, orphaned siblings figuring things out & fending for themselves against the villain after their fortune

Adults either cartoon evil, comedically incompetent, or SPIES

Boarding school, library owner, scientific researcher, and theatre episodes

Ambiguous time period which is really fun to try and pin point

Killing Eve (2018-now)

Classic detective who has homoerotic tension with the assassin she is tracking down

British Detective! Eve Polastri figures out the notorious assassin MI5 are investigating is a woman, is fired & then put on a secret MI6 case with a small team

Assassin! Villanelle, a psychopath with a tragic past and a mastery of both accents & fashion

Woman MI6 boss! Carolyn Martens, head of Russian section

Travel Europe following Villanelle’s killings and escaping the assassins sent by Villanelle’s organisation

‘You’re supposed to be my enemy and moral opposite but omg you’re the only one smart enough to get me and why am I obsessed with you????'

🚨 GO IN FOR A KISS AND THEN STAB YOUR ENEMY 🚨

Cable Girls/Las chicas del cable (2017-2020)

Spanish drama set in 1920s Madrid

Four young women at a telecommunications company form a group of friends and help navigate the difficult situations they are all in

Secret identities, dangerous pasts, murder, crime, lgbtq couple & throuple, trans man character, feminism/suffragists

girls commit crimes for humanitarian reasons and cover! it! up!

UNDERRATED SHOW!!!!

Gorgeous costumes and set

Haven’t finished it yet and I’m catching up

TW: abuse, violence, death

Outlander (2014 - now)

haven’t watched yet but plan to

Woman time travels to Scotland, 1743

Rebel highlanders, pirates, British colonies, American revolutionary war

Time jumps between 18th & 20th century

[moemammon]

The Demon Bros react to GN!MC Sleeping while Standing Up!

(Interpreting this as mild sleep waking)

Lucifer

Lucifer found you standing in the hallway just outside of your room, after curfew.

He's used to you lurking and sneaking around, considering the troublemaker you are, so it doesn't surprise him to see you out so late.

What DOES surprise him is when he calls your name, but you don't respond. And when he touches you.... that's when he realizes you're sleeping. You're snoring and everything.

Belphie does the same from time to time so he's more or less prepared to handle it. Though, that's just one more thing to add to the 'why MC is troublesome' list...

He carefully eases you back into your room, being careful not to startle you awake, before managing to get you back into your bed. Maybe he should consider tying you down? 🤔

Mammon

"And that's when I- Huh? Oi, human! You're spillin' coffee everywhere!"

You fell asleep while serving yourself a cup o' joe, effectively spilling it everywhere and startling poor Mammon. Could you be any clumsier???

Though, he's more worried about you burning yourself so he snatches the pot and moves you away, startling you awake. He knows how fragile you humans can be!

"Are ya seriously sleepin' right in the middle of the kitchen?? That's dangerous! Geez, what'll ya do without me by your side if ya can't even handle pouring some coffee?"

He's now using it as an excuse to follow you around everywhere. What? You might fall asleep in the middle of the road, or in a dark alley somewhere! He's gotta keep you safe! It's not clingy, it's just being responsible!

Levi

He DID just wake you up in the middle of the night to come look at the new additions to his figurine collection, but he didn't expect you to stand there staring at them for so long....

Was your brain malfunctioning?? MC you good??? Wh-

Wait, we're you sleeping?! Just like in that episode of 'My Love Interest Can Sleep while Standing, and it's Seriously Freaking Me Out!'?!

Doesn't really know what to do?? He's heard that waking sleepwalkers is a bad idea and he doesn't want you spazzing out when you're so close to his precious figures....

Literally just leaves you as you are. He can't concentrate on any games or manga right now, so he's settling for reorganizing his stuff while sneaking glances at you. "Wake up already, will you? My heart can't take this kind of pressure..."

Satan

You were browsing his extensive book collection in the late evening, trying to find something to prepare you for a grueling essay coming up.

But when you'd been standing in one spot for well over trendy minutes, Satan assumed something was wrong. And rightfully so, since he soon discovered you were sleeping.

You're standing there with such a gentle expression that he can't help but laugh. Were you really comfortably standing like that? The pressure of that essay must've been too much for your brain, huh?

He watches you for a little while, making mental notes of every time you move. He's read a book on sleepwalking before, but he's only ever seen Belphie do it. Interesting!

He does wake you eventually though, patting the small of your back and calling out your name. "MC, don't you think my bed would be much more comfortable for you? If you're tired, you should nap for a bit before getting back to your studies."

Asmo

Ooooh, he KNEW you weren't listening to him!

Asmo dragged you away to a shopping outlet and was making you help him choose a few new wardrobe pieces. While he spent his time in the changing room, he was going on and on about the party he’d been invited to.

And you were WAY too quiet. You didn't even respond to his playful teasing! So when he opened the door and saw you standing there sleeping, in the middle of the store, he sort of.... froze?

"Um....sweetheart? Are you okay? Are you really asleep right now??" He's patting your cheek to get a reaction out of you. Did his overwhelming beauty put you into a coma??

And speaking of beauty... maybe a kiss would wake you up? Only one way to find out~ 😘

Beel

Belphie is that you-

He's also pretty used to seeing this sort of thing, being so close to his twin and all. It's just a surprise that there's someone else capable of doing it.

He watches as you stand there, your head leaning to the side while you snore away, standing completely upright near the bathroom.

From the looks of it, you'd just finished washing up and tried to get back to your room for bed, but you didn't make it there. His heart softens up when he realizes that.

So he gently picks you up in his arms, careful not to wake you as he takes you back to your room and tucks you into bed. Maybe he should pass your room more often to make sure you make it there?

Belphie

Eyyyyy same

He was pretty surprised when he found you sleeping, your cheek pressed against the hallway wall and your RAD blazer in your hand. From the looks of it, you were trying to get ready for school, but didn't make it.

The other brothers were gone already, too. As for Belphie, he was skipping as usual. But that meant he got to see you in a rare predicament. Even if he gets scolded by Lucifer, this makes it worth it.

Somehow the cowboy has managed to lead you all the way back to his room and into his bed without waking you, and now he's all cuddled up with you comfortably. Your blazer has been thrown onto the floor, a sign that he has no intention of letting you go to school today.

But that's alright, isn't it? Why go to RAD when you can stay with him for the entire afternoon? And when you wake up, you'll be safely tucked away into his arms. That's better than listening to a demonology lesson, right?

[rek1s-headband]

hi! figured i’d drop a request for you :))! Maybe some general bf hcs for reki and langa? Just in general how they would be as a boyfriend or how they would act in a relationship?

Hi!! Thank you so much for your request, I’ve been excited to do one of these. I hope you enjoy it!

➯ random boyfriend headcannons

➯ characters: Reki Kyan and Langa Hasegawa x gn reader

➯ warnings: none! Just some fluff for these two boys:)

Reki:

-Literally the most enthusiastic person you’ve ever seen. He’d be happy to just sit in silence with you because come on, it’s YOU. There’s no one he’d rather be wasting the hours away with.

-Your biggest hype man, EVER. You post something on Instagram? Get ready for a flood of comments, all from him. You could put your phone down for two minutes after posting, and you’ll come back to 99+ notifications of just reki commenting along the lines of “woah suddenly I’m on one knee” “DAMNNNN” and many, many more.

-Never leave your phone unattended around him. He won’t snoop, but be prepared to come back to your camera roll flooded with just zoomed in pictures of his face, his mouth, his eye, ANYWHERE. Mf is spamming your whole phone with pictures of him for you to come back to.

-He has to always be touching you in some way. Whether it’s holding your hand, your waist, a casual arm around your shoulder, there has to be something. He’ll put his hand on your ass sometimes while you walk in public.

-Honestly doesn’t even think PDA is anything out of the ordinary. Like, you’re his s/o??? Yes you’re in his lap, yes you’re in the middle of the skatepark, so what? You’re his, and he’s happy he can make everyone aware of that.

-I saw a post on here that said he would peel stickers off fruit and stick them to peoples’ foreheads, and I fully stand by this. However, it doesn’t just stop at fruit stickers. Anything remotely sticky, whether it’s tags from clothes, tape from a food box, even random sequins and bits of glitter he finds around, it’s immediately being stuck to some part of your face.

-Loves casual dates. Stopping by food stalls, browsing in clothes and game stores for a few hours, and skating around with you until it’s time to go home is a dream for him. Be prepared for day-long dates, because he will clear his entire schedule just to spend the day with you.

-His family adores you. His mother is always goading him to bring you over more, complaining that she misses her "honorary son/daughter/child". His sisters love you too. Any time you come over there’s immediately three tiny bodies shooting at you, grabbing you by the waist and dragging you over to wherever they’re playing. Reki tries to drag you away, wanting to have you for himself, but you always try and stay for at least five or ten minutes. Secretly, he loves that you get along so well with his siblings, going soft at the thought of how you would act with children of your own.

-He loves playing video games with you. Sitting in his lap, the two of you could spend hours switching from game to game. One minute you could be burning down a village in Minecraft, the next complaining while Reki whoops your ass in Mario Kart. His mom brings you food for your breaks between games, and she’ll even stay for a few minutes to talk to you while Reki shifts underneath you, glowing red from embarassment.

-If you can’t skate, he would beg to teach you. If you accept, he goes all out. He’ll make you your own customised board just for practicing, making sure it’s absolutely perfert for you to learn on. But if you can skate, get ready for endless races and competitions to see who can nail a new trick the quickest.

-Adores when you come to S to support him. He loves looking into the crowd and seeing you there cheering him on before he goes into a beef. If he wins, he’ll race over to where you are in the crowd, picking you up and spinning you around, kissing you without a care in the world. However, if he loses he’s thankful you’re always there to pick him back up and make him feel better afterwards.

-Loves cleaning you up after a big fall, kissing your bruises and cuts better. He’ll carefully wrap each injury with care, telling you how brave you are, no matter how small the cut. Secretly, he loves when you baby him after he falls himself. Seeing you wipe away the blood from a new cut and place a small plaster on it with such tenderness melts his heart in a way only you could.

-Speaking of plasters, this man has one for every occasion. Princesses, pirates, aliens, cats, dogs, sparkles, stripes, you name it, he’s got it.

-The type to sneak you out at two in the morning to get a slushee with him. Honestly, he’s up so late making boards for people he just has no perception of time.

-Spams your phone with TikToks or other funny things that reminds him of you. It could be a very specific thing, or a flower or cloud. If he thinks of you when he sees it(which is fairly often), it gets sent to you.

-Talks with his hands a lot. He’s a very expressive talker, so when he’s telling you a story it feels like you’re right there in the story with him.

-Please just kiss him. His cheeks, his forehead, his hand, his shoulder, his temples, his lips. Anywhere, he’ll melt under you. Mf is touch starved to the max.

-Always knows how to make you laugh. His laugh is infectious, it could get you out of your darkest moods.

-Sleeps with his head on your chest, and one hand in your shirt little perv.

-His social media is like a SHRINE for you. His highlights, his posts, his stories, EVERYWHERE. He’s just so proud to be able to call you his that he wants the whole world to know.

-Kisses in the rain while you run home, skateboards in your hands after the weather forecast failed you once again. He’s just so happy in the moment that he can’t contain himself, so he’s pulling you into him in the pouring rain, kissing you hard while your hair gets drenched.

-You don’t need to steal his clothes, he will literally give them to you because “you just look so cute wearing them”. Occasionally, he’ll take one of your hoodies, and even if it doesn’t exactly fit him, he’ll still keep it near him while he sleeps so he can keep your scent close to him.

Langa:

-This man is so oblivious to obvious hints, but still manages to pick up on the smallest of details? It’s incredible, honestly. He could describe the exact colour of your eyes with the most insane detail, but he still won’t notice when you try and hint that you like him in the first place!

-You two have a bit more of a low-key relationship, but you’ll make your usual appearance in his Instagram posts, or on his Snapchat story with a casual caption like a simple heart, or “my love<3”

-Not very big on PDA, not because he doesn’t like it, but because he doesn’t think of it. However, when he does feel like he’s being too physically distant, he’ll link pinkies with you as you walk along, or rest his head on your shoulder while you watch a video on your phone.

-His mom adores you, which is why Langa despises bringing you to his house. You always seem to leave with seven of his baby photos from his time snowboarding in Canada, a new recipe from his mother that you complimented, another one of his hoodies, and more miscellaneous stuff that you don’t even know how it ended up in your bag. He has a little shelf in your room specifically for this random stuff, and he always adds to the collection when he comes to your house. He’ll leave a keyring, a small toy, a Polaroid, anything honestly.

-Loves dates that you can experience. The movies, aquariums, museums and the zoo are common dates for the two of you to go on, but other than that, he adores going skateboarding with you. He’s been improving, and he loves when you notice little things he’s been picking up on, whether it be a new trick or simply how he balances himself on the board.

-Adores old Disney movies. Yall will binge a ton of them in one day, having full-blown musicals in Langa’s living room. When any of the romantic songs come on, like “So this is Love” from Cinderella, Langa will stand up and offer his hand to you, as the two of you waltz around his sitting room, humming the tune of the song.

-Study dates are frequent with the two of you. If you happen to stay up late studying and fall asleep on each other, his mother will cover the two of you with a blanket, tidying some of your books and leaving with a smile, happy with the knowledge you were making her son the happiest he’s been in quite a while.

-Slow dancing in the kitchen while you cook is a regular. When a particularly sappy love song comes on while he stirs the pot, he’ll turn around and hold you close to him, twirling you around the kitchen.

-Reki constantly jokes that he is a third wheel, poking fun at the two of you, Cherry and Joe, and Shadow and “his little girlfriend back at the flower shop”. He’ll hang out of Miya, whining about them having to stick together since they’re the only two “lone wolves”. He’ll usually get a well-earned thump into the back of the head from Miya, but it’s still funny to watch the whole thing go down.

-Tends to be shy when giving you clothes, so instead of asking you to wear them he’ll leave them out in places he knows you’ll find them, or he’ll come up behind you and plop it in your lap, murmuring about how cute it would look on you.

-Please do this man’s makeup. He will sit so still for you, waiting patiently while you dab eyeshadow at his eyes, trying not to blink so you don’t mess up his mascara. He’ll sit there mesmerised for a few minutes, taking in how he looks, and simply whisper “you do this every day?”

-Evem though he’s not a very openly affectionate person, he is stuck to your hip behind closed doors. He’ll lie in your lap for hours, staring up at you while you mess with his hair, pulling it into little plaits and pigtails.

-I can’t even describe how the two of you sleep. It’s simply a mass of limbs, and no one knows exactly what belongs to who. Somehow one of yall will end up upside down, and-why is Langa on the floor??

-He could talk about his time in Canada for hours, and you’d just lie on his chest and listen to him. Every once in a while he’ll look down at you to see if you’re still listening, and his heart will melt a little every time he sees you staring back up at him, eyes wide with interest.

-This man NEVER gets jealous. You’d literally have to cling to another man for it to click in his brain that Oh. He doesn’t like that.

-He’s not big on texting, but if you call him he will stay on that call with you for hours, even after the two of you fall asleep.

-Whenever he falls(which is quite often), you’ll always have plasters on hand to help fix him up. He always flushes bright red when you kiss his cuts better, and never knows just what to do with himself afterwards.

-When he skates against tough opponents, you’ll always give him a kiss for good luck. Of course, this doesn’t stop you worrying, but you know Langa wouldn’t go out of his way to get injured. And if he does, well, at least he’ll have you there to kiss his bruises better.

[nevermindirah]

Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.